I like to drink wine, I say 4 letter words, I partake in silly gossip, I watch some TV shows and movies that are not rated PG-13 and I LOVE Jesus! I can be lazy, judgmental and wear my grumpy face on my sleeve and I LOVE JESUS!
Some people might say that this would make me a hypocrite. In fact, I've even questioned myself on it, several times. I've even beat myself up about it a time or two. Like, how can a woman that talks about God and spreads the word of God as often as possible, do things that don't look very "Christian" on the outside? How do I have any right to lead other women to the cross, when I turn away from it at times? What does a "real" Christian woman look like? I don't know but I know it's definitely not always the woman staring back at me in the mirror every day! Ouch! That one stung a little!
I have Christian, religious and spiritual values, and I know, without a doubt what I believe in...but do I struggle to portray it every day? Yes, I do!
So, am I being a hypocrite or just human?
I admit that I do not know all of the scripture that would either condemn me or back me up on this topic, but there are some things I do know for sure.
One, is that God knows my heart! That is such a relief and should be a relief for any of us that are just trying to do our best every day to follow His path for us and spread the word of His salvation, forgiveness, grace and unconditional love. Did you get that? Forgiveness...Grace...Unconditional Love. I am so comforted in knowing that God knows that I am going to fail Him, He knows that I will be weak, He knows that I will sin time and time again and He loves me anyway. He loves me scars and all! Does that give me a free pass to do whatever I want and behave in ways that are not in His son's likeness? Absolutely not! But, HE KNOWS MY HEART! He knows and I know that I begin each day in His word and then I try my hardest to live it out. I am tested constantly and there are times that I pass with flying colors and there are times I fail miserably! He knows that I am teaching my children all about His unfailing love and that they are able to lean on Him with every single thing in their life. He knows that I do my best to love and honor my husband the way He calls me to. He knows that I stop myself from making huge mistakes that would hurt the people I love because I'm being obedient to His word and allowing the Holy Spirit to guide my decisions more and more. He knows that in my heart, I want to be closer to Him, I want to be more like His son and I want to live the way He is asking me to live. God knows my heart!
The second thing I know for sure is that I am better than I used to be. I am a much better woman than I was when The Lord was not in my life 100% and when I was not allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me. If you've been following my blog up to now, you know that there were times in my life that God was absent. Through most of high school and my 20's, I'm not sure I even prayed on a regular basis, if at all. Unless, of course, I needed something from Him. The only person that guided me was ME! It was for me and about me all the time. I was still nice to people and loving and fun, but that was just me being Jen, it had nothing to do with me listening to or following God. Once I had kids, I incorporated Jesus back into my life here and there, but not fully! Once we moved to Texas, I found out quickly that if we didn't have a church home, we may not have any friends either, so we got one! I remember the first question everyone asked me when I met them was, "what church do y'all go to?" We thought that was so strange! But that's the south for ya! Our faith life strengthened quite a bit, going to church, leading bible studies, etc. Then my brother died tragically in 2008 and a part of me went with him. I was not wearing the armor that the Lord was trying to provide for me and I had not prepared myself with the emotions that I would face during that time. Paul's death opened up the flood gates to all of my insecurities, past pain, bitterness, resentment and on to a path of self destruction. But, He forgives me and I am better than I used to be. I am hearing God's call for me and I am listening.
I don't necessarily regret going through those stages in my life, because I truly believe it led me to where I am today and who I am today. I believe God knew exactly what He was doing with me and was just waiting for me to get on board with the plan! I am listening to His plan for me now and I am fully on board. He wants me to share my pain with other women. He wants me to be open and vulnerable and show others how He is workING through me and in me. As I follow this path, I know that I am better than I used to be. Not without struggles, doubt and fear, but my faith keeps me focused on what He wants from me, not what I want!
Lastly, this is the scary one, I know for sure that I'm not finished failing Him. I know that I am a broken and weak, sinful person. I know that I will continue to make mistakes and I know that it's o.k. I know that God loves me for exactly who I am today. I am His daughter and His love for me is unconditional. When I face challenges in my future, I know that I will not always handle them the way He wants me to and I will not surrender the control over to Him. I will refuse to trust Him with everything and only give some things over to Him. I know I will fall down and I KNOW THAT HE WILL PICK ME UP...EVERY SINGLE TIME!
So, no, I'm not a hypocrite, I'm human and I'm His work in progress...and I'm o.k. with that. I believe He is too!
Jeremiah 1:5 "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations."
Listen to His voice, hear His call for you even if you don't feel ready, he will meet you where you are and equip you.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
Women's Intuition?? I don't think so!
Last night, laying in bed, I got that sick feeling in my stomach...you know the one, like something just isn't quite right with the people in your life? Somebody is up to something and I know it and I can feel it in my stomach and I am going to accuse and investigate until I figure it out. I tossed, I turned, I played out conversations in my head, I had it all figured out...Then, I prayed...I let the Holy Spirit come over me and I felt a calm inside my soul and I fell asleep.
I cannot tell you how many times I have flipped out on my husband, kids, family members and even friends because I didn't trust what they were telling me! I would take a little situation and blow it up into something that became huge, all because of my "women's intuition"! I know that my past experiences with those that I love dearly have created a sense of paranoia within me and therefore I would believe what my gut was telling me about any given situation. It's crazy how many times I've been right on with my instincts, my family even tells me I should be a private investigator "when I grow up". My youngest son is convinced that I have eyes in the back of my head. Oh, I wish!
There are many times, however, that my gut was way off. I have been so wrong so many times and have jumped to so many conclusions that fights were started and turmoil was created for no reason at all. I have made assumptions about friends talking about me, I've accused my kids of things that they're not even considering doing and my husband has been thrown under the bus by me more times than I can count. Satan just loves when we do this, right? Stir up a little drama all in the name of the evil one.
I wouldn't say that I don't have reasons to feel insecure; I have been lied to and I have been hurt many times by people that I have loved and trusted. But what I have discovered recently is that there is a huge difference between a "gut instinct" or "woman's intuition" and that of the Holy Spirit residing inside of the depths of my heart and soul.
How I discovered that is not very easy to describe except that my personal relationship with Jesus Christ is at the highest point it's ever been in my life. He is my best friend and He is who I try to go to for every single decision in my life. If I'm not going to Him about something, then something must be wrong with what I want to do. I say "try to go" to Him for every decision because there are days and times when I don't, either with my words or actions, and I usually end up regretting something I said or did. When I gossip about someone, make accusations about the people I love the most, when I put something I shouldn't on social media or when I'm just being plain sinful, that is when I am not going to Him and I feel it. I try to shrug that feeling off and ignore it. Sometimes he's that annoying little voice that's getting in the way of me saying and doing whatever makes me feel good at the time, but I know He's waiting for me to figure it out. I eventually figure it out. Lately, I figure it out a lot more quickly than I used to! Yay me! And Yay for the people around me!
"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. There is no law against these things!" Galatians 5:22-23
I am sinful, I am weak, I am broken and I can only be healed with Him and through Him by way of the Holy Spirit. I don't really believe in the gut anymore, well, I know I have one, but that's not the one I'm referring to. That gut feeling or women's intuition has gotten me into so much trouble and has caused so much pain for me and others, it can't be right. It has led me to fly off the handle or caused me to say things on a whim that I never meant to let come out of my mouth. It's caused me much more harm than good. I knew that way of thinking and reacting had to go and it's not something that magically happened overnight! This has been a very very long road for me and is still continuing.
Since I have learned to talk to the Lord every single day, throughout the day, I have formed a relationship with Him that I do not want to sever. Like any relationship, it takes time to develop and grow. Every time I go to Him in thanks or in prayer, I feel that much closer to Him and I feel the Holy Spirit take over a little bit more of what's inside of me. I'm tearing up a little as I type this, because it's a feeling I can never fully describe. I can only tell you how incredible it feels to be led by it. I rely on the Father, the Son and now The Holy Spirit every chance I get. This is what guides me through my day and it's what guides my words and actions to be just a little more Christ like with each passing moment. God expects us to sin, that is the reason He sent His only son to die on the cross for us. The blood of Jesus covers my sin and yours and the Holy Spirit can only help us navigate through this life if we tap into that relationship with Jesus. I mess up daily! I allow the enemy to drag me down with people or situations that pull me from this euphoric feeling. I just know that with every passing day, if I stay on this path with Him, that will happen less and less.
"And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Holy Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will." Romans 8:26-27
My goal when I get to Heaven is to see His face, no...wait...not just see His face! I want to touch it, I want to grab His beautiful hand, I want to touch His cheek and feel His presence. I don't want to get there and search for Him amongst all the clouds and angels. I don't want to be in the back row when I get there! My dream is to have a front row seat in Heaven! The only way I can get there is to continue on this journey with God as my Father, Jesus as my best friend and the Holy Spirit as my guide.
Oh and P.S. the Holy Spirit is not always going to tell you what you want to hear...listen anyway!
I cannot tell you how many times I have flipped out on my husband, kids, family members and even friends because I didn't trust what they were telling me! I would take a little situation and blow it up into something that became huge, all because of my "women's intuition"! I know that my past experiences with those that I love dearly have created a sense of paranoia within me and therefore I would believe what my gut was telling me about any given situation. It's crazy how many times I've been right on with my instincts, my family even tells me I should be a private investigator "when I grow up". My youngest son is convinced that I have eyes in the back of my head. Oh, I wish!
There are many times, however, that my gut was way off. I have been so wrong so many times and have jumped to so many conclusions that fights were started and turmoil was created for no reason at all. I have made assumptions about friends talking about me, I've accused my kids of things that they're not even considering doing and my husband has been thrown under the bus by me more times than I can count. Satan just loves when we do this, right? Stir up a little drama all in the name of the evil one.
I wouldn't say that I don't have reasons to feel insecure; I have been lied to and I have been hurt many times by people that I have loved and trusted. But what I have discovered recently is that there is a huge difference between a "gut instinct" or "woman's intuition" and that of the Holy Spirit residing inside of the depths of my heart and soul.
How I discovered that is not very easy to describe except that my personal relationship with Jesus Christ is at the highest point it's ever been in my life. He is my best friend and He is who I try to go to for every single decision in my life. If I'm not going to Him about something, then something must be wrong with what I want to do. I say "try to go" to Him for every decision because there are days and times when I don't, either with my words or actions, and I usually end up regretting something I said or did. When I gossip about someone, make accusations about the people I love the most, when I put something I shouldn't on social media or when I'm just being plain sinful, that is when I am not going to Him and I feel it. I try to shrug that feeling off and ignore it. Sometimes he's that annoying little voice that's getting in the way of me saying and doing whatever makes me feel good at the time, but I know He's waiting for me to figure it out. I eventually figure it out. Lately, I figure it out a lot more quickly than I used to! Yay me! And Yay for the people around me!
"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. There is no law against these things!" Galatians 5:22-23
I am sinful, I am weak, I am broken and I can only be healed with Him and through Him by way of the Holy Spirit. I don't really believe in the gut anymore, well, I know I have one, but that's not the one I'm referring to. That gut feeling or women's intuition has gotten me into so much trouble and has caused so much pain for me and others, it can't be right. It has led me to fly off the handle or caused me to say things on a whim that I never meant to let come out of my mouth. It's caused me much more harm than good. I knew that way of thinking and reacting had to go and it's not something that magically happened overnight! This has been a very very long road for me and is still continuing.
Since I have learned to talk to the Lord every single day, throughout the day, I have formed a relationship with Him that I do not want to sever. Like any relationship, it takes time to develop and grow. Every time I go to Him in thanks or in prayer, I feel that much closer to Him and I feel the Holy Spirit take over a little bit more of what's inside of me. I'm tearing up a little as I type this, because it's a feeling I can never fully describe. I can only tell you how incredible it feels to be led by it. I rely on the Father, the Son and now The Holy Spirit every chance I get. This is what guides me through my day and it's what guides my words and actions to be just a little more Christ like with each passing moment. God expects us to sin, that is the reason He sent His only son to die on the cross for us. The blood of Jesus covers my sin and yours and the Holy Spirit can only help us navigate through this life if we tap into that relationship with Jesus. I mess up daily! I allow the enemy to drag me down with people or situations that pull me from this euphoric feeling. I just know that with every passing day, if I stay on this path with Him, that will happen less and less.
"And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Holy Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will." Romans 8:26-27
My goal when I get to Heaven is to see His face, no...wait...not just see His face! I want to touch it, I want to grab His beautiful hand, I want to touch His cheek and feel His presence. I don't want to get there and search for Him amongst all the clouds and angels. I don't want to be in the back row when I get there! My dream is to have a front row seat in Heaven! The only way I can get there is to continue on this journey with God as my Father, Jesus as my best friend and the Holy Spirit as my guide.
Oh and P.S. the Holy Spirit is not always going to tell you what you want to hear...listen anyway!
Monday, January 20, 2014
Losing the security blanket of pain
Have you ever met someone that every time that you have an encounter with her you can pretty much see the sadness, grief, or anger all over her face? The type of person that has a negative vibe pouring out of them and it's so powerful that it almost becomes contagious.
Are you that woman? Do you see that person when you look in the mirror? Does your family see that in you on a daily basis? Are they tiptoeing around you because there is a very good chance you will raise your voice at them or bring them down in some way?
Yep, that was me, mostly to the people inside my home, unfortunately, but it was me and still me, sometimes! I'm proud to say it's not as often as it used to be, but that attitude of cranky "poor me" definitely rears it's ugly head every so often and it is not attractive!
It is perfectly natural to have feelings of sadness when we are hurt by gossip, physical or emotional abuse or a betrayal of some kind. I believe that it's o.k. to grieve for an extended period of time when we go through a divorce or the death of a loved one or even during the empty nest stage of our lives. We can get very angry at God when things don't go according to our plan. If a loved one gets sick or we lose a job and can't pay our bills, we get bitter and resentful and we tend to wear it, not only on the inside, but on the outside too! It starts to become the face we wear day after day, it can even become our best friend or security blanket and it's difficult to let it go. If you've seen this in yourself or someone else, you know, it's not a pretty sight! No amount of beauty products can cover up the look of disdain and unhappiness on our face or even in our body language when we let these negative emotions become WHO we are!
I have so many memories of myself getting so frustrated and angry when my kids were little and they wouldn't drink their bottle fast enough or get dressed quickly and I was in a hurry to get out the door. I remember when my little 4 yr old girl was at dance class and she didn't want to dance in front of the other girls and I would scream at her when we got in the car after class because I was embarrassed (ouch...that's a painful memory). Several years ago, I would be so tired from staying up too late or being out too late and drinking too much and I would yell at my kids from the moment we got up in the morning until the moment they got to school. If I wouldn't have changed that, I don't know what my relationship would look like with my kids today!
I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone in the morning. I had my own agenda, my own timing and I didn't want anybody in my way. My one girlfriend teases me to this day about how I would literally run away from her in the pre school parking lot so that I wouldn't have to have a friendly conversation. I was just awful! Just thinking about the way I acted toward others makes me cringe. I was happy, laughing and smiling one moment and sad and bitter the next. It's no wonder I was eventually mis-diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. It, in fact, wasn't bi-polar, it was simply a very lonely, bitter soul clinging on to the pain from my low self esteem, the huge mistakes I had made that hurt others, the deaths of my brothers, my marital problems, my financial situation and the lies I told myself about the person I was. In my mind, I had excuse after excuse to behave this way.
I didn't address my guilt, regret, shame or bitterness with anyone, really, and I definitely did not hand it over to The Lord, even though he was right there waiting for it all!
My comfort was to hold on to it and wear it as long as I could. I was trying to mask my truth but that truth really was out there for the people I love to see day in and day out. It pains me so deeply to know that this was the person, the mother, the wife that I used to be.
BUT...I love the BUTS in my stories...I was redeemed! I learned that I do not have to wear a face of anger, jealousy or sadness forever (and boy was my family thrilled)! I truly thank God that I have forgiving people in my life and I've even learned to forgive myself.
I know now that it was o.k. to hold on to those feelings for a while, but eventually, we need to replace them with God's grace and everlasting love and hope. After addressing the emotions that were starting to define me and praying about them, writing about them and speaking about them, I began to feel a sense of relief. A peacefulness started to come over me and take my heart over. I started to understand that God is always going to throw road blocks up in front of me and that Satan is sometimes going to attack and get the best of me, that is inevitable. But now I know that God's purpose for my life is intentional and if I embrace the heartache as much as I do the joy, then I can wear appropriate emotions on the outside but they will never define me again.
Not all of us are in a faithful spot in our lives. Maybe you don't have a strong faith in God and you feel like you're in a hole that you can't seem dig your way out of. Perhaps, you don't know where to begin or how to start the process of putting the suffering behind you and truly strive to wake up every day literally wearing the glory of God on your face, in your voice and in every part of who you are. It's not always easy and it doesn't all have to happen at once. There is no magic remedy for being hurt and sad, but there is a new beginning for all of us to relieve ourselves of it!
You're starting by reading my blog right now and possibly sharing it with another woman in your life that may need it also. It is vital that we shepherd to one another and through Christ to filter our way through the suffering and make our way to peace, awareness and hope! We are not alone!
After that, perhaps you just download an inspirational app on your phone (ie. Jesus Calling) or you tune in to some Christian music on your way home from work, pick up a devotional at the book store. Stop by your local church this weekend and see what God wants you to hear, find out what He's just waiting to pour into your soul. If none of that is in your comfort zone, just reach out to a faithful friend. Reach out to someone that you admire and you know she has been through difficult times, but she has found victory in her life rather than being a victim to her circumstances.
We are all in this together! There are still days when I'm not wearing my joy all over my face. Every so often I let my sadness creep up and I take it out on others. That is called being a human being and I know it's o.k. What's not o.k. is when we make that our identity and embrace it. God wants more for us! He wants you to see that you are beautiful and made in His image. He wants us all to know that our painful experiences and our sins do not define us, it's just all a part of our unique story on our journey to salvation!
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
Are you that woman? Do you see that person when you look in the mirror? Does your family see that in you on a daily basis? Are they tiptoeing around you because there is a very good chance you will raise your voice at them or bring them down in some way?
Yep, that was me, mostly to the people inside my home, unfortunately, but it was me and still me, sometimes! I'm proud to say it's not as often as it used to be, but that attitude of cranky "poor me" definitely rears it's ugly head every so often and it is not attractive!
It is perfectly natural to have feelings of sadness when we are hurt by gossip, physical or emotional abuse or a betrayal of some kind. I believe that it's o.k. to grieve for an extended period of time when we go through a divorce or the death of a loved one or even during the empty nest stage of our lives. We can get very angry at God when things don't go according to our plan. If a loved one gets sick or we lose a job and can't pay our bills, we get bitter and resentful and we tend to wear it, not only on the inside, but on the outside too! It starts to become the face we wear day after day, it can even become our best friend or security blanket and it's difficult to let it go. If you've seen this in yourself or someone else, you know, it's not a pretty sight! No amount of beauty products can cover up the look of disdain and unhappiness on our face or even in our body language when we let these negative emotions become WHO we are!
I have so many memories of myself getting so frustrated and angry when my kids were little and they wouldn't drink their bottle fast enough or get dressed quickly and I was in a hurry to get out the door. I remember when my little 4 yr old girl was at dance class and she didn't want to dance in front of the other girls and I would scream at her when we got in the car after class because I was embarrassed (ouch...that's a painful memory). Several years ago, I would be so tired from staying up too late or being out too late and drinking too much and I would yell at my kids from the moment we got up in the morning until the moment they got to school. If I wouldn't have changed that, I don't know what my relationship would look like with my kids today!
I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone in the morning. I had my own agenda, my own timing and I didn't want anybody in my way. My one girlfriend teases me to this day about how I would literally run away from her in the pre school parking lot so that I wouldn't have to have a friendly conversation. I was just awful! Just thinking about the way I acted toward others makes me cringe. I was happy, laughing and smiling one moment and sad and bitter the next. It's no wonder I was eventually mis-diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. It, in fact, wasn't bi-polar, it was simply a very lonely, bitter soul clinging on to the pain from my low self esteem, the huge mistakes I had made that hurt others, the deaths of my brothers, my marital problems, my financial situation and the lies I told myself about the person I was. In my mind, I had excuse after excuse to behave this way.
I didn't address my guilt, regret, shame or bitterness with anyone, really, and I definitely did not hand it over to The Lord, even though he was right there waiting for it all!
My comfort was to hold on to it and wear it as long as I could. I was trying to mask my truth but that truth really was out there for the people I love to see day in and day out. It pains me so deeply to know that this was the person, the mother, the wife that I used to be.
BUT...I love the BUTS in my stories...I was redeemed! I learned that I do not have to wear a face of anger, jealousy or sadness forever (and boy was my family thrilled)! I truly thank God that I have forgiving people in my life and I've even learned to forgive myself.
I know now that it was o.k. to hold on to those feelings for a while, but eventually, we need to replace them with God's grace and everlasting love and hope. After addressing the emotions that were starting to define me and praying about them, writing about them and speaking about them, I began to feel a sense of relief. A peacefulness started to come over me and take my heart over. I started to understand that God is always going to throw road blocks up in front of me and that Satan is sometimes going to attack and get the best of me, that is inevitable. But now I know that God's purpose for my life is intentional and if I embrace the heartache as much as I do the joy, then I can wear appropriate emotions on the outside but they will never define me again.
Not all of us are in a faithful spot in our lives. Maybe you don't have a strong faith in God and you feel like you're in a hole that you can't seem dig your way out of. Perhaps, you don't know where to begin or how to start the process of putting the suffering behind you and truly strive to wake up every day literally wearing the glory of God on your face, in your voice and in every part of who you are. It's not always easy and it doesn't all have to happen at once. There is no magic remedy for being hurt and sad, but there is a new beginning for all of us to relieve ourselves of it!
You're starting by reading my blog right now and possibly sharing it with another woman in your life that may need it also. It is vital that we shepherd to one another and through Christ to filter our way through the suffering and make our way to peace, awareness and hope! We are not alone!
After that, perhaps you just download an inspirational app on your phone (ie. Jesus Calling) or you tune in to some Christian music on your way home from work, pick up a devotional at the book store. Stop by your local church this weekend and see what God wants you to hear, find out what He's just waiting to pour into your soul. If none of that is in your comfort zone, just reach out to a faithful friend. Reach out to someone that you admire and you know she has been through difficult times, but she has found victory in her life rather than being a victim to her circumstances.
We are all in this together! There are still days when I'm not wearing my joy all over my face. Every so often I let my sadness creep up and I take it out on others. That is called being a human being and I know it's o.k. What's not o.k. is when we make that our identity and embrace it. God wants more for us! He wants you to see that you are beautiful and made in His image. He wants us all to know that our painful experiences and our sins do not define us, it's just all a part of our unique story on our journey to salvation!
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Falling out of the boat
Can you imagine being in a boat in the middle of the ocean, lost, confused, afraid and having no tangible resources to help you get back? Think about it for a minute. That thought really frightens me to death! Then, go one step further and think about the wind and the waves picking up and you ultimately fall out of the boat and you have no help getting back in. Eventually, you WILL drown! My biggest fear, besides clowns, is drowning! (fun fact)
That is how I have recently been thinking of my life before I fully allowed God in to my heart and soul. It is also how I felt when I refused to listen to His calling and purpose for my life and tried to do it all on my own. Of course, at the time, I didn't see it like this at all. I didn't envision a lost boat with no captain and no way to return to shore. Back in those days, I probably looked at it more like, I was the captain of my ship and I could handle whatever comes my way, ON MY OWN! I was so so wrong about that.
If you looked at me on the outside, you might see someone that is smiling or laughing most of the time. You might say I have a lot of friends and I'm very social and I may have even looked like I have it all together. I've been like that since I was a little girl. Youngest of 9 kids, running the neighborhood and pretty happy go lucky for the most part. On the outside, I don't look like someone that's doing anything on my own, I was surrounded by people. I have friends, family and I'm floating along pretty well. What I found out several years back is that most of all of that was an act. I wasn't trying to put on an act, I just went through the motions and getting by.
I had 8 older siblings and I was brushed aside quite a bit. My oldest sister raised me for the most part and I never felt super close to my parents until I got much older. They were just too busy and very overwhelmed. They loved me very much but this was just the way my life was in this big family! It was how things fell into place after Mark died. My parents lost their 22 yr old son in a tragic car accident 2 days after Christmas and had to continue to raise 8 other children. Imagine that. I didn't get it. My mom could not parent me the way that she probably wanted to after that. She was numb, I'm sure and felt that her right arm was cut off. I was a little 8 year old just searching for where I fit in all of this. I felt that I had to beg for attention and eventually, when I didn't get it, I started finding it in other places. Bad places. My reputation in high school was not the best BUT I had lots of friends, so that must mean I was doing ok, right? Not so much! My younger years of feeling insecure and inferior led straight into my adult life, yet nobody really knew it because I wore a smile most of the time and was constantly trying to be the center of attention.
However, two very big things were missing in my life...GOD and my ability to reveal my true pain and emotions to the women in my life. I was trying to do it alone and I was slowly, slowly drowning. Like, I'm talking, drowning to the point where my head was under water and I was gasping for air. It took several blows to see that I could not survive this way.
My journey to where I am now has been a long one and it's ongoing. Seeing the light of faith after church retreats and speaking to groups of women has been a blessing beyond belief for me. I've always been taught to have faith in God and I have many women (and men) in my life that exhibit such a strong faith through suffering. My mom and my sisters are prime examples of faith in God and faith in each other. When the going gets tough, the Krueger women get tougher! They are my inspiration as well as my mentor, Rebecca!
As a 42 year old woman, I can now honestly say, that I don't always have a smile on my face and sometimes when I do, it may even be fake. I don't have as many friends as I used to have and I certainly don't like to be half as social as I used to be. But I can also say this...I am NOT doing it on my own anymore! I am learning to examine my heart and lay the emotions that are a result from past/current pain in my life, at the foot of the cross! I am learning to ask myself why I feel angry, bitter, resentful, fearful and then talk to the Lord about those feelings. I am also learning to rely on other women in my life with these feelings. I am being vulnerable in a way that I have never been able to be. I am trusting this group of women in my ministry with truth from life experiences and through that they are helping me learn how to love fully and leave the pain in the past.
I need to be able to reach out for His hand and I now realize that I need other women in the boat with me when I am suffering. I do not have to do this alone. If I start to fall out of the boat, I'm not afraid anymore because I have women by my side pulling me back in!
I believe that we have to do this together ladies! We have to choose to be surrounded by people that will encourage us in our faith and who let us fall apart if we need to and then help us pick up the pieces along the way. To me, it is so important to find our comfort level speaking to the Lord, but also being able to unload to a trustworthy person that may hold you accountable in this life! Find someone that you can reveal your pain too and then she will help you carry on! She'll throw you a lifejacket when you're drowning!
Do you know who that person or people are in your life? It doesn't have to be a best friend, it doesn't have to be someone in your town or community. That could be scary if she's "too close to home" to reveal your inner most thoughts and feelings. Perhaps she's at church or she writes a blog that you like (wink) or she's a friend of a friend or a relative...Do you have someone like that? I bet she's out there waiting for you to call on her. Maybe she's waiting for you too!
I have had Christian, spiritual friends all of my life, but I wasn't able to truly tap into my emotions with them and I kept up the act with them and with myself!
Through the Holy Spirit, I have the ability to open up now and I know that with these women and with God, I may end up in the deep end, but I will never drown!
"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
That is how I have recently been thinking of my life before I fully allowed God in to my heart and soul. It is also how I felt when I refused to listen to His calling and purpose for my life and tried to do it all on my own. Of course, at the time, I didn't see it like this at all. I didn't envision a lost boat with no captain and no way to return to shore. Back in those days, I probably looked at it more like, I was the captain of my ship and I could handle whatever comes my way, ON MY OWN! I was so so wrong about that.
If you looked at me on the outside, you might see someone that is smiling or laughing most of the time. You might say I have a lot of friends and I'm very social and I may have even looked like I have it all together. I've been like that since I was a little girl. Youngest of 9 kids, running the neighborhood and pretty happy go lucky for the most part. On the outside, I don't look like someone that's doing anything on my own, I was surrounded by people. I have friends, family and I'm floating along pretty well. What I found out several years back is that most of all of that was an act. I wasn't trying to put on an act, I just went through the motions and getting by.
I had 8 older siblings and I was brushed aside quite a bit. My oldest sister raised me for the most part and I never felt super close to my parents until I got much older. They were just too busy and very overwhelmed. They loved me very much but this was just the way my life was in this big family! It was how things fell into place after Mark died. My parents lost their 22 yr old son in a tragic car accident 2 days after Christmas and had to continue to raise 8 other children. Imagine that. I didn't get it. My mom could not parent me the way that she probably wanted to after that. She was numb, I'm sure and felt that her right arm was cut off. I was a little 8 year old just searching for where I fit in all of this. I felt that I had to beg for attention and eventually, when I didn't get it, I started finding it in other places. Bad places. My reputation in high school was not the best BUT I had lots of friends, so that must mean I was doing ok, right? Not so much! My younger years of feeling insecure and inferior led straight into my adult life, yet nobody really knew it because I wore a smile most of the time and was constantly trying to be the center of attention.
However, two very big things were missing in my life...GOD and my ability to reveal my true pain and emotions to the women in my life. I was trying to do it alone and I was slowly, slowly drowning. Like, I'm talking, drowning to the point where my head was under water and I was gasping for air. It took several blows to see that I could not survive this way.
My journey to where I am now has been a long one and it's ongoing. Seeing the light of faith after church retreats and speaking to groups of women has been a blessing beyond belief for me. I've always been taught to have faith in God and I have many women (and men) in my life that exhibit such a strong faith through suffering. My mom and my sisters are prime examples of faith in God and faith in each other. When the going gets tough, the Krueger women get tougher! They are my inspiration as well as my mentor, Rebecca!
As a 42 year old woman, I can now honestly say, that I don't always have a smile on my face and sometimes when I do, it may even be fake. I don't have as many friends as I used to have and I certainly don't like to be half as social as I used to be. But I can also say this...I am NOT doing it on my own anymore! I am learning to examine my heart and lay the emotions that are a result from past/current pain in my life, at the foot of the cross! I am learning to ask myself why I feel angry, bitter, resentful, fearful and then talk to the Lord about those feelings. I am also learning to rely on other women in my life with these feelings. I am being vulnerable in a way that I have never been able to be. I am trusting this group of women in my ministry with truth from life experiences and through that they are helping me learn how to love fully and leave the pain in the past.
I need to be able to reach out for His hand and I now realize that I need other women in the boat with me when I am suffering. I do not have to do this alone. If I start to fall out of the boat, I'm not afraid anymore because I have women by my side pulling me back in!
I believe that we have to do this together ladies! We have to choose to be surrounded by people that will encourage us in our faith and who let us fall apart if we need to and then help us pick up the pieces along the way. To me, it is so important to find our comfort level speaking to the Lord, but also being able to unload to a trustworthy person that may hold you accountable in this life! Find someone that you can reveal your pain too and then she will help you carry on! She'll throw you a lifejacket when you're drowning!
Do you know who that person or people are in your life? It doesn't have to be a best friend, it doesn't have to be someone in your town or community. That could be scary if she's "too close to home" to reveal your inner most thoughts and feelings. Perhaps she's at church or she writes a blog that you like (wink) or she's a friend of a friend or a relative...Do you have someone like that? I bet she's out there waiting for you to call on her. Maybe she's waiting for you too!
I have had Christian, spiritual friends all of my life, but I wasn't able to truly tap into my emotions with them and I kept up the act with them and with myself!
Through the Holy Spirit, I have the ability to open up now and I know that with these women and with God, I may end up in the deep end, but I will never drown!
"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Why me?
How many times have you asked yourself or God this question, "Why me"? Why is MY child going through this struggle and the children in HER family all seem to be perfect? Why is my marriage on the verge of divorce and that couple across the street seem to have it all together? Why do I struggle with a food addiction and my best friend can eat whatever she wants and look fabulous? Why God? Why me?
We sometimes tend to shake our fists at the sky when something tragic or painful happens in our lives, don't we? I know I have done that many times! We can't seem to figure out why we have to suffer so much when others don't seem to be suffering at all. It's not fair, right?
What I have been learning lately, though, is that it's not meant to be fair. What I am finally starting to figure out is that God has a plan for me in this life and until I started to truly understand that, I would never be able to work through any bad events that happen to me or the people I care about.
When we suffer a loss or abuse, divorce, infidelity, cancer or any tragic event, we start to fill our head and heart with fear and a lot of doubt! Doubting God's plan and His purpose for us is very normal and I believe it's ok. I mean it's hard to believe in something that you can't reach out and touch. It really makes you wonder what this is all about and why so many people spend so much time trying to get others to buy into this whole God thing! Doubting Him comes with the territory of faith at times. However, I believe that doubting for too long can get us into a bit of trouble. There is a fine line between doubting and losing our faith all together. That fine line is where the enemy is sitting and waiting for you to fall straight into his lap. "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves" Matthew 7:15
It can be very easy to give up on the Lord and follow the "easier" path into destruction.
The days when I have wanted to give up because my marriage was in turmoil and I didn't have any answers, I doubted God, I started to give up on Him and rely only on myself. I tried to control my husband, I tried to control the outcome of every argument, I was a mess! Trust, Finances, Mis communication, lack of respect...name it! I tried to control it, on my own without God's help or without the help of any of the amazing Christian women in my life. That failed miserably for me and for my family! I had no choice but to turn it around and grasp on to my faith. The good news, no, the GREAT news is that He never abandons us, we are the ones that turn our back on Him. He was right there waiting for me, time after time!
In having doubts, I think that is the time when God challenges us to yearn for Him even more. He wants us to thirst for knowledge and allow ourselves to dive deeper into His word for answers. Whether it be the Bible, a new church or a Christian woman in our lives that can help us sort through the why's and move on to what now.
God was whispering to me for years to lead other women to be closer to Him. He has been trying to tell me to use some of the things that I have gone through to bring women to Him and help them lay their fears, anxiety and doubts at the foot of the cross. He was telling me to learn more about Him and follow the purpose that He has for me on this earth. I couldn't help but wonder "why me God?"
I am broken and weak! I am a sinner and I'm not "fixed" yet. Why are you asking me to do this?
I wasted a lot of time, asking Him why me instead of just listening to what He was asking me to do.
I am now figuring out that none of this is for me, but for Him.
I feel myself getting closer to Christ every day through this ministry. That is the only answer I need right now. I now know that the heartache I have faced in my life up until now has been preparation for doing His work. He has made me stronger and more faithful. That didn't happen because my life has been easy or pain free, but it's because of the struggles that have come my way, that have helped make me more faithful and able to face each day head on. I know my pain is not over. I know that I will cry many more tears on this journey on earth, but He is teaching me that if I lay it all at His feet, He will lead me on my path to Him in Heaven. When in doubt, we need Him and we need each other. Pray and listen to His whispers, He is calling you too.
"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10
We sometimes tend to shake our fists at the sky when something tragic or painful happens in our lives, don't we? I know I have done that many times! We can't seem to figure out why we have to suffer so much when others don't seem to be suffering at all. It's not fair, right?
What I have been learning lately, though, is that it's not meant to be fair. What I am finally starting to figure out is that God has a plan for me in this life and until I started to truly understand that, I would never be able to work through any bad events that happen to me or the people I care about.
When we suffer a loss or abuse, divorce, infidelity, cancer or any tragic event, we start to fill our head and heart with fear and a lot of doubt! Doubting God's plan and His purpose for us is very normal and I believe it's ok. I mean it's hard to believe in something that you can't reach out and touch. It really makes you wonder what this is all about and why so many people spend so much time trying to get others to buy into this whole God thing! Doubting Him comes with the territory of faith at times. However, I believe that doubting for too long can get us into a bit of trouble. There is a fine line between doubting and losing our faith all together. That fine line is where the enemy is sitting and waiting for you to fall straight into his lap. "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves" Matthew 7:15
It can be very easy to give up on the Lord and follow the "easier" path into destruction.
The days when I have wanted to give up because my marriage was in turmoil and I didn't have any answers, I doubted God, I started to give up on Him and rely only on myself. I tried to control my husband, I tried to control the outcome of every argument, I was a mess! Trust, Finances, Mis communication, lack of respect...name it! I tried to control it, on my own without God's help or without the help of any of the amazing Christian women in my life. That failed miserably for me and for my family! I had no choice but to turn it around and grasp on to my faith. The good news, no, the GREAT news is that He never abandons us, we are the ones that turn our back on Him. He was right there waiting for me, time after time!
In having doubts, I think that is the time when God challenges us to yearn for Him even more. He wants us to thirst for knowledge and allow ourselves to dive deeper into His word for answers. Whether it be the Bible, a new church or a Christian woman in our lives that can help us sort through the why's and move on to what now.
God was whispering to me for years to lead other women to be closer to Him. He has been trying to tell me to use some of the things that I have gone through to bring women to Him and help them lay their fears, anxiety and doubts at the foot of the cross. He was telling me to learn more about Him and follow the purpose that He has for me on this earth. I couldn't help but wonder "why me God?"
I am broken and weak! I am a sinner and I'm not "fixed" yet. Why are you asking me to do this?
I wasted a lot of time, asking Him why me instead of just listening to what He was asking me to do.
I am now figuring out that none of this is for me, but for Him.
I feel myself getting closer to Christ every day through this ministry. That is the only answer I need right now. I now know that the heartache I have faced in my life up until now has been preparation for doing His work. He has made me stronger and more faithful. That didn't happen because my life has been easy or pain free, but it's because of the struggles that have come my way, that have helped make me more faithful and able to face each day head on. I know my pain is not over. I know that I will cry many more tears on this journey on earth, but He is teaching me that if I lay it all at His feet, He will lead me on my path to Him in Heaven. When in doubt, we need Him and we need each other. Pray and listen to His whispers, He is calling you too.
"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Taking the long black robe off and let God be the Judge!
I guess if I'm going to put myself out there and write a blog, I have to be honest, right? Ok, I honestly stayed up until 3am watching Wife Swap last night! What can I tell you, it's addicting. I love seeing the extremes of the 2 families and how they may or may not make an impact on the other one's life. But you know what I realized after watching episode after episode? There is so much judgement! The wives judge the wives, the husbands judge the wives, the kids judge the wives...ugh so much judgement! No wonder we all go through life tip toeing around wondering if we're wearing the right clothes, saying the right thing, living in the right neighborhood, etc. etc. etc. We are constantly surrounded by others judging us and worst of all judging ourselves.
I also have something else to admit to you...I am 42 years old and am just NOW starting to worry a little less about what others think of me and focus more on what God thinks of me. After all, He is my creator and I will be judged by Him one day, not all of you! The girl next door surely isn't getting me my seat in Heaven, is she? I believe women are so worried about what others think of us and the way we parent, our financial status, who we date, what we wear, where we shop, who we hang out with, even what church we go to, that we forget to just look at each other as beautiful daughters of God, created for a purpose.
We have not walked in each other's shoes (though we may want to borrow them)! We have not experienced the pain or suffering that someone else has in their life, therefore making them who they are today. If you met me last year, you probably have no idea that I grew up with a very low self esteem and used attention from boys to get my self worth. You probably also had no idea that my husband and I were completely broke when we got married, had all 3 of our kids and moved to Texas.
There is a lot you do not know about me, but you may judge me or make assumptions about me.
We do not know that someone we know may have been abused as a child or abandoned by a parent and has still not addressed that pain in her life. She may be carrying that around and that is why she is hard to talk to or get to know. It's so easy to jump to conclusions about other women without knowing the first thing about their past or what pain they might be clinging on to and still suffering from.
Let's try to see each other through a different lens. It doesn't mean we have to be BFF's with every woman we cross paths with, that's not how it's supposed to be. We connect with certain women for very specific reasons at very specific times in our lives and that's ok, but maybe extending a little less judgement and a little more understanding and grace would be a welcome change of pace. I'm pretty sure that's what God is wanting from us...leave the judging to Him. Though black is slimming, that long, heavy black robe is cumbersome and not flattering at all! Let's shed it once and for all!
To this very day, my self esteem is still not the highest that it could be and I am definitely not always speaking truth to myself about why God loves me so much and what He sees in me, but I'm working on it everyday. I have good days and bad. I still struggle with how I look at myself, my past actions, my weight, my marriage and parenting. The kind of friend I am and the kind of "leader" in ministry I will be petrifies me at times. I'm having a little anxiety right now just writing this. However, I have grown so much these past few years and I credit that to addressing the pain in my life head on and searching for God's purpose in it. I know that we are all faced with very different circumstances and I am trying to use my past heartaches to teach me how to endure future ones, even the ones I have today!
Keep the faith ladies, speak truth to yourself about yourself and look at each other a little differently today, with less animosity, jealously and judgement and more understanding and love. Pray for each other and let God be the judge! After all...He has a spot waiting for all of us and I for one, want to be in the front row!
Ephesians 4:23-25 "Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God - truly righteous and holy. So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body."
I also have something else to admit to you...I am 42 years old and am just NOW starting to worry a little less about what others think of me and focus more on what God thinks of me. After all, He is my creator and I will be judged by Him one day, not all of you! The girl next door surely isn't getting me my seat in Heaven, is she? I believe women are so worried about what others think of us and the way we parent, our financial status, who we date, what we wear, where we shop, who we hang out with, even what church we go to, that we forget to just look at each other as beautiful daughters of God, created for a purpose.
We have not walked in each other's shoes (though we may want to borrow them)! We have not experienced the pain or suffering that someone else has in their life, therefore making them who they are today. If you met me last year, you probably have no idea that I grew up with a very low self esteem and used attention from boys to get my self worth. You probably also had no idea that my husband and I were completely broke when we got married, had all 3 of our kids and moved to Texas.
There is a lot you do not know about me, but you may judge me or make assumptions about me.
We do not know that someone we know may have been abused as a child or abandoned by a parent and has still not addressed that pain in her life. She may be carrying that around and that is why she is hard to talk to or get to know. It's so easy to jump to conclusions about other women without knowing the first thing about their past or what pain they might be clinging on to and still suffering from.
Let's try to see each other through a different lens. It doesn't mean we have to be BFF's with every woman we cross paths with, that's not how it's supposed to be. We connect with certain women for very specific reasons at very specific times in our lives and that's ok, but maybe extending a little less judgement and a little more understanding and grace would be a welcome change of pace. I'm pretty sure that's what God is wanting from us...leave the judging to Him. Though black is slimming, that long, heavy black robe is cumbersome and not flattering at all! Let's shed it once and for all!
To this very day, my self esteem is still not the highest that it could be and I am definitely not always speaking truth to myself about why God loves me so much and what He sees in me, but I'm working on it everyday. I have good days and bad. I still struggle with how I look at myself, my past actions, my weight, my marriage and parenting. The kind of friend I am and the kind of "leader" in ministry I will be petrifies me at times. I'm having a little anxiety right now just writing this. However, I have grown so much these past few years and I credit that to addressing the pain in my life head on and searching for God's purpose in it. I know that we are all faced with very different circumstances and I am trying to use my past heartaches to teach me how to endure future ones, even the ones I have today!
Keep the faith ladies, speak truth to yourself about yourself and look at each other a little differently today, with less animosity, jealously and judgement and more understanding and love. Pray for each other and let God be the judge! After all...He has a spot waiting for all of us and I for one, want to be in the front row!
Ephesians 4:23-25 "Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God - truly righteous and holy. So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body."
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
I just want you to be "happy"
Happiness - what does it mean? What does it really mean when people say, "I just want you to be happy"? "If it makes you happy, do it"!
I recently saw that on a text message from a friend to my daughter. She said, "well, my mom said that she doesn't agree with what I'm doing, but if it makes me happy, then she's happy." I kind of got a little sick to my stomach after reading that. Is that what we're teaching our kids? Is this what we're saying to each other as we help guide each other through tough times? As long as your happy, then it's all good...
I see things very differently. A few years back, after my brother died, I went through a very tough time. I didn't handle his death well and as the days turned into months, I began to self destruct. I made very poor choices in my life and there was no one to blame but me. Those who know me well, know now that I was not "happy" at that point, but it sure did look like I was having a good time. I shopped, I smiled, I laughed, I drank...I looked "happy". I didn't even know how truly unhappy I was.
Eventually, my life spinned so far out of control that I was forced to break down and face the demons in my life that were there long before Paul passed away.
I had to get real!
I have since changed the way I look at happiness and now I search for peace and JOY rather than happiness. I am using my faith in the Lord to search for the kind of contentment that you can only get when you can look at each day, no matter what you are faced with and know that He's got this and He's got me! To me, happiness is a fleeting emotion that comes and goes as quickly as the weather in Texas changes. I'm happy when I buy a new purse or pair of shoes, I'm happy when I watch a funny tv show or when I eat a good meal. But, happiness can change just as quickly with a mean spoken word or a child's bad grade or a husband's bad mood.
I choose to search for JOY in my life. An inner peace that can make me feel safe, secure and content regardless of what is going on around me. Now, if you know me well, you know that I am clearly still searching for that feeling. I can still get sad and angry...I am still annoyed and moody. Forgive me, I'm human and I have emotions. But because of my growing faith in Christ and my belief that I will be with God someday, I am comforted and more at peace than I ever have been in my life.
Being happy is a fun, great emotion but I want to encourage all women in supporting each other in finding inner peace!. Let's help one another find joy in our lives even when there is sorrow. Isn't it a disservice to the women that we care about to tell them to stay with that guy if he makes her happy, but she knows he's no good in the long run because he doesn't like her kids or staying in a job that makes her happy because the money is great, but she feels worthless and used?
Peace can be found by relying on God daily and going to Him for comfort and thanks and talking to Him every day as if he is your best friend. I want us all to be confident that in our worst times, that He is holding us in His arms and loving us right where we are. That's a peaceful feeling that doesn't go away!
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27
I recently saw that on a text message from a friend to my daughter. She said, "well, my mom said that she doesn't agree with what I'm doing, but if it makes me happy, then she's happy." I kind of got a little sick to my stomach after reading that. Is that what we're teaching our kids? Is this what we're saying to each other as we help guide each other through tough times? As long as your happy, then it's all good...
I see things very differently. A few years back, after my brother died, I went through a very tough time. I didn't handle his death well and as the days turned into months, I began to self destruct. I made very poor choices in my life and there was no one to blame but me. Those who know me well, know now that I was not "happy" at that point, but it sure did look like I was having a good time. I shopped, I smiled, I laughed, I drank...I looked "happy". I didn't even know how truly unhappy I was.
Eventually, my life spinned so far out of control that I was forced to break down and face the demons in my life that were there long before Paul passed away.
I had to get real!
I have since changed the way I look at happiness and now I search for peace and JOY rather than happiness. I am using my faith in the Lord to search for the kind of contentment that you can only get when you can look at each day, no matter what you are faced with and know that He's got this and He's got me! To me, happiness is a fleeting emotion that comes and goes as quickly as the weather in Texas changes. I'm happy when I buy a new purse or pair of shoes, I'm happy when I watch a funny tv show or when I eat a good meal. But, happiness can change just as quickly with a mean spoken word or a child's bad grade or a husband's bad mood.
I choose to search for JOY in my life. An inner peace that can make me feel safe, secure and content regardless of what is going on around me. Now, if you know me well, you know that I am clearly still searching for that feeling. I can still get sad and angry...I am still annoyed and moody. Forgive me, I'm human and I have emotions. But because of my growing faith in Christ and my belief that I will be with God someday, I am comforted and more at peace than I ever have been in my life.
Being happy is a fun, great emotion but I want to encourage all women in supporting each other in finding inner peace!. Let's help one another find joy in our lives even when there is sorrow. Isn't it a disservice to the women that we care about to tell them to stay with that guy if he makes her happy, but she knows he's no good in the long run because he doesn't like her kids or staying in a job that makes her happy because the money is great, but she feels worthless and used?
Peace can be found by relying on God daily and going to Him for comfort and thanks and talking to Him every day as if he is your best friend. I want us all to be confident that in our worst times, that He is holding us in His arms and loving us right where we are. That's a peaceful feeling that doesn't go away!
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27
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