Time to be REAL!

Forgive me blog followers, it has been 5 months since my last Heartwork post.  I last wrote a week or so after my girlfriend tragically passed away in April.  Since that time, a lot has transpired in my spiritual life and I honestly wasn't sure what I would write about next or if I had it in me to write anymore at all.   I used summer as an excuse to take a break.  With the kids being home and travel, I figured that was a good enough reason to put writing on the shelf and just "live"!  But as it turns out what I was really doing was believing some lies being told to me by you know who!

Well, one thing God always tends to do with me and probably you too, is, He whispers in my ear or I should say to my soul, about things He wants from me and I sometimes wait until He hits me over the head with a 2x4 until I take action. So, here I am, taking action!

I think the "2x4's" in this particular case were the death of Joan Rivers on Sept. 4th of this year and a very close friend calling on me in her time of need.  First, I'll talk about the legendary, Joan Rivers.
This is a woman that made the world laugh with her sarcasm, her jokes about herself and even her un edited, "not so nice" one liners about other celebs!  The thing about Joan was that she didn't care!  She said whatever she felt about whatever she wanted to talk about and she did not care what anybody thought about it.  She was authentic.  Now, before you get ready to argue with me on that matter, let me cover two important points.  1. No, I don't think she was always very nice and I don't think it's o.k. to just say anything you want to say just to get a laugh or to fit in,  that was HER thing, not mine.  Although we do have a few similarities!  2.  I know, I know, she's had more plastic surgery than the states of California and Texas combined, so you may wonder, how is that considered authentic, but I'll get to that in a minute.

What I've read about Joan Rivers lately is that she loved life and the people in her life.  She laughed big and she loved big and the people who loved her back accepted her for exactly who she was and to me, that's authentic.  Clearly, it took years of jokes, surgery and fame to overcome massive insecurities and pain and she definitely masked that pain with her talent, but at the time of her death, I believe she was in her prime, had faced her struggles and was the REAL person that she was supposed to be!

The second 2x4, which actually came 2 weeks prior to Ms. River's death, was when a very close friend of mine needed my guidance with a particular situation in her life.  This friend knows me very well and she truly loves and accepts every side of me and I feel the same way about her.  So, in true fashion, she txts me and says, "Having a bad day. I need a drink".  I asked her if there was anything I could do and she asked me to pray.  So I did and I told her do the same thing.  Later, I checked in on her and she still wasn't doing so great, so she asked me to have a drink with her.  Now, this was the 2nd day of school and probably the last thing I needed to do was leave my kiddos to have a drink with a friend.  However, I knew she really needed me and I could use a drink myself!  We talked, we laughed and I gave her my thoughts on what she should do in her situation.  Long story short, I followed up with her a couple of days later and she thanked me.  She said things were so much better and that perhaps I was "on to something with this God stuff".  I didn't say I told you so, but I thought it!   The reason this was a hit over the head for me is because this is a friend who knows I'm me and I'll give it to her straight but with a taste of faith and experience.  I can laugh with her, have a drink with her, I can pray for her and I can tell her what she needed to hear, not what she wanted to hear and she thanked me for it!
This was a wake up call that God wanted me to write again!

Since my daughter Frankie was a little girl, I would say "be true to yourself" every day before she walked out the door.  I still say that to my 3 kids. Be true to yourself.  I also say it to myself every day.  So, I guess what I've been asking myself over these past several months is, "what is my truth"?  Will the real Jen Morgan please stand up?  And, do I really want her to?  Flaws and all?

Here's the thing.  We all have a true personality, the one God crafted when we were in our mother's womb.  However, because of sin, people in our lives, family dynamics, joys, tragedies and all of the different happenings we've experienced, that personality that He intended for us gets a little skewed.  We maybe even start listening to Satan's version of what our real personality is and we fall into that.  Conceited? Afraid? Shy? Bitter? Stand offish? Fake? Fake Happy?  The list goes on and on.
I sometimes let Satan get a hold of me a little bit and tell me that I can't write a "Christian" blog to women.  "You're a fake Jen.  You're a hypocrite. You're not a real Christian woman, friend, wife, or mother. Give up this little dream of yours and come follow me.  Who are YOU to lead other women to their purpose through pain?"  WOW and I listened for a while and I probably will again, but I'm working on that, so please bare with me.  He's a sneaky little guy for sure!
God definitely won the war with the evil one the day my friend reached out to me.

I have determined over the past several weeks that I just want to be REAL and I want the people in my life to be REAL too! Real in this case is not just a word, this REAL is:
Ready
Embrace
Accept
Life/Love
I want to admit to myself that I'm far from perfect.  I have testified to that on many occasions in this blog and in my day to day life.  I am not a pillar of strength and I'm certainly not always the ideal role model for other women looking for who they are in Christ.  Y'all know I drink, I cuss, I gossip from time to time, I'm a flirt (my hubby knows this), I'm opinionated, I can be tempted to sin, I DO sin, I can even be a bit moody (who? me?)  and the list goes on.  What I can tell you is that this is me and I'm trying to be better in the areas that I need to be better but because of the way my life has been woven and because of some of my choices in this life, this is who I am.  So, I am Ready to accept that and be accepted in that.  I have friends that know this about me and 100% completely accept it.  I have others that have chosen to walk away and that is O.K., I totally get it, I'd walk away from me too sometimes!  There was a time when I wanted everyone to like me and if you didn't like me, well then I wanted to know why and I was bound and determined to change your mind.  I would even fake who I was to conform to what they wanted me to be.  Ugh…I'm so glad I don't do that anymore!  It's so exhausting.

Embracing it is the next step.  I am learning to embrace my truth.  I am learning to really love this person, Jen Morgan, and embrace her flaws and imperfections and still love her wit, her sarcasm and her moody side.  I'm embracing her when maybe nobody else really wants to.  I'm OK with that too!

This all clearly leads to the next two letters in my acronym.  Accepting my truth and Living my life as authentically as I possibly can.  At the same time, I am Loving myself and the people around me, the people that choose to be around me…the REAL me.  I cannot do all of this without the true Love of Christ and His acceptance of me regardless of who I am on any given day.  I lift this up to Him every morning.

Lastly, I want to talk about who I am Ready to Embrace and Accept in my Life (REAL)!  I recently asked a question 20 random girlfriends on my Facebook page.  What is the most important quality that you look for in a true friend and do you possess this same quality?
Needless to say I got several different answers but a few consistent ones were about being non judgmental and real.  Also, being loyal and honest.  Ladies, these are things that come with our authentic self.  A true friend knows you for who you are and can come to you any day, any time with anything and you will be there for them.  You will also say what you NEED to say to them, not necessarily want they WANT to hear.  That's truth, that's authentic and that's REAL! Remember, also, that I'm not referring to your fun friends!  We all have these and need these people in our lives. They may not be our "go to" for the big stuff, but they bring joy and energy to us and that's a gift in itself. Who knows what you may be able to bring to them someday?

Now, back to Joan Rivers and her plastic surgery.  I, for one, thinks that she looked great!  A lot of us wear make up, spray tan, work out, get botox (and more), spend a little more on fashion, etc.!  Or perhaps, we choose not to pile on the make up, have a more plain sense of fashion, don't care for the "bling and heel look"! That's what makes us individuals! It's beauty in however we choose to "wear" it!
Isn't it about what's on the inside that really matters anyway?  We know some of it comes with insecurity, jealousy or keeping up with the women around us and that's unfortunate if and only IF it consumes us, but come on, even some of the most famous MALE pastors put on a little make up and get highlights and botox! You know it's true!

So, the next time you feel alone or unsure about your truth, focus on who you want to be surrounded by every day and start with your creator and your REAL self!  The peace that will embody you upon this realization will most definitely fill you up and pour out on to others!

Matthew 6:1 (The Message) "Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it.  It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding."

Start today, pray, look up and get REAL!

Better Today!

My friend died last week.  Was she my best friend? No.  Was she someone I saw once a month or talked to once a week? No.  Did I know the ins and outs of her life? No.
The fact is...My friend died last week.

I spoke at the service celebrating her life, again not because I knew her the best or was closest to her, but because I could do it without completely breaking down and in knowing her for almost 10 years, I could give a pretty accurate look at the beautiful person that God created in her.  It was a blessing and a privilege to speak about her on that day!

Thinking about it today makes me wonder who considers me a friend and what would they say about me at my funeral.  I am 43 years old and I have run across a lot of people over all of those years.  I still stay in touch with people from when I was a kid (thanks to social media) and I have met new people in the past week.  What would all of these people say about me at my funeral?
The thought scares me a little bit but it makes me take a deeper look into the person that I want to be.

I know that when someone dies most people show respect and share all of the great, funny and inspiring stories about the deceased, right?  We talk about how giving they were, how funny or sweet they were, how much they loved their family and everyone they met just adored them, right?
But, let's just say there are some skeletons, mistakes,  character flaws or "black marks" in that persons life…those are probably going to come to the surface at some point too, right?  Perhaps behind closed doors or on back patios, but none the less...

My point?  I woke up today saying that I want to be remembered differently starting TODAY!  I want to be better!  I want to be a better mother, a better wife, a better sister, aunt, cousin, neighbor, friend and daughter of the Lord…TODAY!
I am striving for better.  Not perfect and not better than you or the girl next door, but better than me yesterday!   If I wake up everyday with that mind set and that goal, then I'm guaranteed victory, correct?

I have made so many mistakes along the way.  I have so many regrets and things that I wish that I could do over or take back.  I have hurt people that I deeply love and care about with my harsh words or selfish actions.  I have pushed people away and even with 1,000 "I'm sorry's" I haven't gotten some of those people back.  I have messed up more times than I could ever count or even remember.  I'm so thankful that God truly forgives and truly forgets all of those things, good thing that audience of ONE embraces me with His grace!

However, humans don't make it so easy and when we screw up or hurt someone or are just plain cranky and take it out on the wrong person, that may be how that person remembers us on our final day! UGH!! I do not want that.  "the last time I saw Jen Morgan she was rushing through the aisle at Walgreens, barely smiled at me and acted as if she didn't even know me"….I do not want that!  I know we all have bad days, but come on!  I realize that we are not going to be friends with every single person and that all relationships vary on so many levels, but as I tell my kids, you don't have to be friends with everyone, but be friendly to everyone!  What kind of example am I in that statement?

I think to be better every day, I am going to act as if it's the last time people are seeing me or talking to me.  Yes, I know that all of my close friends that are reading this are going to hold me to a higher standard and call me out on this day in and day out!  Good…bring it on!  Challenge me to be better!  I'm ready for it!

I claim Jesus as my Savior and the Holy Spirit as my guide, then I must try to live it daily.  When I fail and I fall down, I will be better tomorrow!  If I don't get tomorrow then the people around me will know that I died trying!  That's how I want to be remembered and thought of!

My friend died last week.  She didn't know it was her final day, but I'm pretty sure that the last words she spoke were probably loving, sweet and kind…that's just who she was and what a great way to be remembered!
I want that and I want to be better TODAY!  So here goes…
Want to join me?

Philippians 4:4-5 "Always be full of joy in the Lord.  I say it again - rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do."

Beautiful in HIM!

I'm so pale, I have got to lose 10 pounds before summer, I'm having a bad hair day, I don't have anything to wear, I look old…the list goes on and on.  Does this sound familiar?  Over analyzing myself and finding personal flaws is something I do on a fairly regular basis, but not nearly as much as I did in the past.
Actually, what I used to do was get so caught up in how I looked on the outside, that I completely forgot to examine the person I  was becoming on the inside.  Honestly, there was a time that I stopped criticizing myself and went the other way.  I was in complete adoration of myself and the way I looked.  I became extremely caught up in having the perfect tanned, skinny, body and spending loads of money on clothes that I clearly could not afford just so I could keep playing the starring role in a big production called "ME"! Everyone look at ME!  Like ME, be jealous of ME! ME ME ME! Ugh…it's so sad to reflect on that person! The old ME!

This thing that was ME…It's called vanity and it is a very dangerous place to be!  Looking "fabulous" doesn't necessarily seem to be evil or a danger to us or to others,  but that mentality makes it a perfect playground for the devil!  Actually vanity is the ideal "outfit" that we begin to wear when we become so obsessed with our outer beauty and start to neglect what's happening on the inside.  It's like a very creative Halloween costume.  Vanity will tend to fool the people around us because they also begin to get caught up in our clothes, hair, skin, weight that they don't even care who we are on the inside.  We look great, they look great and it's fun and contagious!

Now, I will make one thing crystal clear with you upfront...I like fashion, I like pretty clothes and shoes, jewelry and fun hair styles.  I'm a bit of a girly girl, what can I say?  I take pride in how I look (usually) when I walk out the door and most days I don't leave the house without at least a little bit of makeup to cover the acne or freckles!  But, that's not what I'm talking about here.  I'm talking about the fine line between being proud of how you look and making it so consuming that it's encompassing who you ARE as an individual.  Forgetting about the beautiful God given traits of your personality that you were blessed with at birth and that have made you the woman He wants you to be!

Who I WAS when I thought I was this amazing woman floating through my life, was a big, hot, tan, well dressed mess!  I made my friends laugh, I was sarcastic and fun.  I was the  "life of the party" at times and I was loving every minute of it.  I was completely caught up in it.  I was using all of the these actions and props to cover up the emptiness in my soul.  I was seeking attention for all of the wrong reasons and it began to destroy my life.  I now know that low self esteem from my younger years played a big role in my need for attention and my need for always looking a certain way, but whatever the reason is for starting, it spiraled quickly and vanity became more of a God to me than God himself!
The really scary part is how quickly and quietly it can consume us.  We are "good, nice, Christian people" so that's all that matters, right?  We're not hurting anyone, are we?  You may not have these same personality traits as I have, but fill in the blanks with your own and you'll understand what I'm getting at.
Now…ask yourself this,  day in and day out, how many times do you look in the mirror?  How often are you thinking about what to wear or what not to eat because of weight gain?  How much money is being spent on healthcare products, makeup, creams, lotions, botox, etc.?  I'll answer those for you…ALOT!  We think about all of that ALOT! And the reason it doesn't look dangerous is because people like looking at "pretty".  Our friends, our husbands, boyfriends, strangers, we all like looking at "pretty"!  That is why I believe vanity can be a very quiet but dangerous sin and if we don't keep it in check, it can and will consume you too!  We lose sight of what kind of beauty should be at the center of our lives and we lose sight on how to share that with others.  We can talk about plastic surgery, fashion and working out all day long, but our faith and our true beauty in Christ become taboo topics.  Therein lies the danger of vanity!  And you don't think our daughters will follow these footsteps? Think again!

1 Peter 3:3-4 
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

Over the past couple of years, my spiritual life began to take a turn and I started to hear God tell me I was beautiful and I even started to believe Him.  I would hear Him whisper things to me about my giving, generous and thoughtful traits. He reassures me about the fact that I truly care about my friends and want to help them and be there for them when they need me.  I began to believe God when He told me that if I shared some of my stories with other women, that they might listen and hear Him too and start to see their true beauty regardless of a painful past!  Each day, I hear Him tell me new things about myself and how I've improved and how I continue to grow and change in HIM with every prayer and every genuine action of support or love to others.  He's allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me daily and as I allow it too, I realize that's what makes me a gorgeous daughter of The Lord.  I never realized that before.
By starting my mornings in prayer and by asking for His guidance in all circumstances, He is opening my eyes to the real "pretty" in me even when I make huge mistakes!  He shows me His grace and love when I'm wearing clothes that don't fit quite right or when my hair looks messy and when the scale is not smiling back at me!  He loves me no matter what, all the time!  Knowing that I will continue to fall and make those mistakes every day, regardless of how I look doing it, is o.k. with Him and it's o.k. with me, now, too.

We are His daughters and we are sisters in Christ, let's embrace that and recognize the stunning women we are on the inside.  Compliment a woman's laugh or her kind, gentle voice and her tenderness before you talk about her fantastic new hair color.  Encourage her to continue being a great listener, an amazing cook and a great mom.  Tell her that you admire her work ethic, her strength and her love of the Lord before you compliment her shoes!

 I am seeing that the parts of my personality that make me who I am have not changed really either, but now I just see that they are not being used to mask pain any longer.  God created me with a sense of humor and a witty, sarcastic side (that I sometimes need to apologize for), a fun loving, outgoing person who happens to like to look fashionable and put together most of the time.  You see, the fashion, the outer beauty, even getting the laughs, are no longer my crutch because I've realized that none of this is about ME!  It's about who HE is in me and that is 100% pure beauty that will last through the ages!

Life's A Dance

While I was taking my walk today, my Pandora kept me guessing with everything from Michael Jackson to Pink to Christian Rap and then a country song, that I had never heard before came on and it just blew me away! "Life's a Dance" by John Michael Montgomery was the title and in the song he says that life is a dance and sometimes we lead and sometimes we follow.  The rest of the lyrics are really great, you should check it out, but I really couldn't help but stay focused on that one line.

Recently, my life has been somewhat of a roller coaster, a dance, if you will.  Not necessarily because of any specific major events, good or bad, but really because of my inner voice and where it's taking me.
I wrapped up the first session with my women's ministry last week and now I feel a void of some kind in the pit of my stomach as though I didn't really finish what I started.  I am pretty convinced that this group of women is not finished growing and God is definitely nudging me and telling me that He's not through with us yet either.  So, I sit and pray and wonder what I'm supposed to do with that information.  I'm waiting for answers…I'm waiting to follow after I have already started to lead.  It leaves me in a state of confusion and doubt and honestly, it really frightens me.  I think, "what did I get myself in to here?" Sometimes I even follow my thoughts to the point of giving up on the ministry all together.  I visualize myself just washing my hands of it and saying my work here is done and God can work with these ladies and watch the magic unfold.  This leads me to this song…Life is a dance and sometimes we lead and sometimes we follow.  I believe I may need to pay very close attention to what that means for me in my women's ministry and in all other areas of my life.  My marriage, my children, my friendships all need a little bit of both but I am realizing that I do not get to choose which one I will do and when. Am I supposed to lead or follow?
When I begin to doubt myself and try to take over what I think is the right way to go, I am choosing to lead myself down whichever path I think is best for ME.  I am not following the Lord and what He is calling me to do.  He is the lead in this dance of my life and sometimes I find myself battling Him for that role.

I feel the same with other occurrences in my life as well.  The trust and confidence that I sometimes lack with my husband because of his travel, leads me to insecurity and uncertainty.  The fear that I have for my kids, social media, the opposite sex and the decisions they are making, ties me in knots at times.  Wanting to please my friends and family members and convince them to love every part of me and believe in me even though sometimes they challenge me and question my intentions. This leaves me feeling lonely and sad.

Situations happen every day, all around me and I try to take control of these issues, even if they're not necessarily mine to control.  I want to "fix" the problem, make it better and make sure that my conscience is clean and I can walk away from every scenario smelling like a rose and like what I did was best for everyone involved.  I am trying to lead everyone around me to peace and sometimes I follow all of these happenings straight into more turmoil.  I guess what I'm saying is that I try to take control and make peace for others (like I have all the answers…HA!) and in every situation, I sometimes cause more confusion or I get so caught up in it in my own mind that it begins to  monopolize my entire thought process.  The drama, in these cases, is the leader and I am the follower. As I dig a little deeper, I now know that this is the evil one trying to control my mind.
I sometimes let this take over so much that it's all I can think about and I get consumed by what I should have done or what I should have said to someone.  How could I have led the conversation or situation to the outcome that I wanted it for it?  I sometimes take my good intentions and try to tell others what they should say or not say to another person so that a problem can be resolved and when they don't say or do it the way I suggest, I react as if they have betrayed me and I get irritated.  It starts to push people away from me and backfires.
It leads me away from peace in my life and takes me to an unhappy place that makes me question everything that I'm trying to do.
Proverbs 19:3 "The foolishness of man ruins his own way, And his heart rages against the Lord."

It's funny…usually when I blog, I try to use my life experiences to help others get through something going on in their life.  I want others to see how my stories might relate to them and I try to give positive tools to help others gain peace in their circumstances. But today is more like a confessional and a breakthrough for me.  Literally, as I type each sentence I am learning something new about myself and it is extremely cathartic to be so raw about my shortcomings in this area.

I am realizing that the more that I dance through this amazing, event filled life, I need to follow God every step of the way.  I need to stop blocking him out of my mind when He tells me to keep going on with the ministry and accept the changes He has in store for it or when he tells me not to try to control the outcome of an argument between two friends, or when he tells me to let my kids fall down and He will be the one to help them get back up.  And I need to LEAD when He tells me to lead, not when I want to.  He wants me to lead others to Him by example and sharing His word, not by controlling the outcome of every event.
I think a lot of us do this and we get addicted to the worry, the anxiety and the fear of what might happen if we just follow Him instead of trying to lead every issue down the exact path that we want it to go on.  We don't want to let go of this addiction of control because we are so afraid that if we just release it and follow Him then we may not like what we're going to get or even what someone else is going to get.
 I want to learn to let go and let God take the lead in my life's dance and I pray that I can begin to truly follow Him without stumbling and stepping on too many toes.

I started this blog yesterday and I am re-visiting it today after so much more contemplation and prayer.  Throughout my day and night yesterday, I consciously took every situation that I wanted to take the lead on and I released it.  I looked up to the sky and just heard the Lord saying, "Jen, can I have this dance?  I'll lead and you follow."  It was the most peaceful feeling in the world and I'm so glad I allowed Him to graciously step in!

Embracing our inner "Eve"

"Mom, what do you think Eve looked like?" That is the question that one of my kids asked me when we were eating lunch after church yesterday afternoon.  We had just heard a sermon about suffering and God's place in the suffering that we are all inevitably faced with in this life.  Naturally, Adam and Eve came up because a lot of suffering is caused by nothing less than human decision!  Not fun to hear, but very true!  We, as humans, are predisposed to sin and with sin comes suffering!  There are different degrees of it, of course, but even a "little white lie" could cause someone in our lives to suffer a great deal.

So, when describing my version of Eve to my 3 kids, I told them that I believed her to be a beautiful tall woman, with long, wavy, thick hair that covered her breasts and she had smooth, young, soft  skin.  Sounds like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, right?
To me, she was glamorous for her time and was created "perfectly".  I went on to say that she really screwed things up when God gave them an entire garden filled with fruit, berries, figs, etc. and He had specifically told them to avoid one tree in the entire garden and that's the one Eve chose!  Really Eve? Come on now, you didn't make a good name for the ladies!

So begins the story of sin and suffering! (Again…thanks Eve)!

So today when I was thinking a little more about Eve and her decision to eat that fruit, I googled images of her and found her not to be as "perfect" as I had imagined and described to my kids!  I understand that nobody was taking pictures of Eve with their iPhone back in the beginning of time, but the drawings and illustrations of Eve are not at all as I had created in my head.  In fact, in several drawings, Eve looks a little heavy and her facial features are not as beautiful as I had envisioned.  Her body is not very proportionate and her hair looks a bit thin and disheveled.  She doesn't look "perfect"!

Eve inspired me today because of the many comparisons women make when we look at each other or when we envision what someone else's life may look like on the outside and what it truly is on the inside.  We spend so much time comparing ourselves to others, that it often weighs us down and just ends up making us feel worse about ourselves.  Don't we have enough to battle with relationships, finances, work, children, family and on and on and on?  Do we really need to agonize about the fact that Susie next door just got a brand new, top of the line, fully loaded luxury vehicle and I'm still driving my used mini van with cheerios embedded in the floor board?

I do it all the time!  This person is skinnier than me, that person has a happier marriage than I do, that friend has kids that never seem to make a mistake, that woman is more "christian" than I am.  It can be overwhelming at times and it definitely is a huge waste of time and energy!

But this is what I am learning through ministry to women that are trying to heal...we are all imperfect! We all have a story and very few people know it!
What we see on the outside of another person could be very different from what another person might see.  If I look at a friend of mine that has revealed her life story to me and shared with me her sins and the pain she has caused her family and friends, but has since found Christ and what it means to be forgiven, I might see redemption, peace, hope and beauty in this friend.  Someone else that doesn't know my friend's story may find a woman that's closed off, shy, indifferent or uppity. How can we possibly make these assumptions when we do not fully know one's truth or life experiences?  We can't!

We get so caught up in comparing ourselves to others, that we neglect to see the beauty that God has created in each of us and the past that comes with us!

Eve made a huge mistake in eating from the single tree that God instructed her not to eat from and we make huge mistakes every day too!  When she sinned, she became naked and vulnerable, just as we do. Does our brokenness and sin make us any less lovable than the girl next door?  The answer is a firm NO! God knows every intricate detail of our past, he knows about our failures, our sin and our heartache and we are loved fully, completely and unconditionally! I believe we are called to look at one another that way also!  Most of the close people in my life have grown to accept me and love me even more completely once they got to know some of my secrets, sins and parts of my past that I kept hidden in a very dark corner of my being.  They recognized who I am on the inside today because of my story of suffering and they choose to love me anyway. What a gift!
 
We are broken, but we are beautiful.  If every one of us could look in the mirror every day and regardless of what we see physically, we could embrace our gift of imperfect broken beauty, wouldn't the day be so much nicer?  Suppose we see beauty in the mirror but when we lay our head on the pillow we question ourselves as mothers, wives, or friends and we beat ourselves up for the things we said or the way we react to others…Try replacing those negative thoughts with thoughts of being an imperfect broken beauty!
What if we looked at each other like that too?  What if we looked at every woman we come in contact with throughout the course of our day as an imperfect broken beauty?  Even the cranky woman behind the cash register, the woman with road rage passing us on the highway, the woman at the school looking glamorous when picking up her kids?  What if we looked at each of them as an imperfect broken beauty?
The answer is, we would see just that!  We would see imperfection because we all have flaws and scars, we would see brokenness because we know that we have all sinned and have caused suffering to those we love in some form and we would see an incredible beauty because our Creator hand crafted each and every one of us very specifically for His purpose.

We all have a little bit of Eve in us, embrace the Eve in you and in other women and perhaps the comparisons will stop and the healing can begin…for all of us!

Woman in Progress

I like to drink wine, I say 4 letter words, I partake in silly gossip, I watch some TV shows and movies that are not rated PG-13 and I LOVE Jesus!  I can be lazy, judgmental and wear my grumpy face on my sleeve and I LOVE JESUS!
Some people might say that this would make me a hypocrite.  In fact, I've even questioned myself on it, several times.  I've even beat myself up about it a time or two.  Like, how can a woman that talks about God and spreads the word of God as often as possible, do things that don't look very "Christian" on the outside?  How do I have any right to lead other women to the cross, when I turn away from it at times? What does a "real" Christian woman look like?  I don't know but I know it's definitely not always the woman staring back at me in the mirror every day!  Ouch!  That one stung a little!
I have Christian, religious and spiritual values, and I know, without a doubt what I believe in...but do I struggle to portray it every day? Yes, I do!
So, am I being a hypocrite or just human?

I admit that I do not know all of the scripture that would either condemn me or back me up on this topic, but there are some things I do know for sure.

One, is that God knows my heart! That is such a relief and should be a relief for any of us that are just trying to do our best every day to follow His path for us and spread the word of His salvation, forgiveness, grace and unconditional love. Did you get that? Forgiveness...Grace...Unconditional Love.  I am so comforted in knowing that God knows that I am going to fail Him, He knows that I will be weak, He knows that I will sin time and time again and He loves me anyway. He loves me scars and all! Does that give me a free pass to do whatever I want and behave in ways that are not in His son's likeness? Absolutely not! But, HE KNOWS MY HEART! He knows and I know that I begin each day in His word and then I try my hardest to live it out.  I am tested constantly and there are times that I pass with flying colors and there are times I fail miserably!  He knows that I am teaching my children all about His unfailing love and that they are able to lean on Him with every single thing in their life.  He knows that I do my best to love and honor my husband the way He calls me to.  He knows that I stop myself from making huge mistakes that would hurt the people I love because I'm being obedient to His word and allowing the Holy Spirit to guide my decisions more and more.   He knows that in my heart, I want to be closer to Him, I want to be more like His son and I want to live the way He is asking me to live.  God knows my heart!

The second thing I know for sure is that I am better than I used to be. I am a much better woman than I was when The Lord was not in my life 100% and when I was not allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me.  If you've been following my blog up to now, you know that there were times in my life that God was absent. Through most of high school and my 20's, I'm not sure I even prayed on a regular basis, if at all.  Unless, of course, I needed something from Him.  The only person that guided me was ME! It was for me and about me all the time.  I was still nice to people and loving and fun, but that was just me being Jen, it had nothing to do with me listening to or following God.  Once I had kids, I incorporated Jesus back into my life here and there, but not fully!  Once we moved to Texas, I found out quickly that if we didn't have a church home, we may not have any friends either, so we got one!  I remember the first question everyone asked me when I met them was, "what church do y'all go to?" We thought that was so strange! But that's the south for ya! Our faith life strengthened quite a bit, going to church, leading bible studies, etc.  Then my brother died tragically in 2008 and a part of me went with him. I was not wearing the armor that the Lord was trying to provide for me and I had not prepared myself with the emotions that I would face during that time. Paul's death opened up the flood gates to all of my insecurities, past pain, bitterness, resentment and on to a path of self destruction. But, He forgives me and I am better than I used to be.  I am hearing God's call for me and I am listening.

I don't necessarily regret going through those stages in my life, because I truly believe it led me to where I am today and who I am today.  I believe God knew exactly what He was doing with me and was just waiting for me to get on board with the plan!  I am listening to His plan for me now and I am fully on board. He wants me to share my pain with other women.  He wants me to be open and vulnerable and show others how He is workING through me and in me.  As I follow this path, I know that I am better than I used to be. Not without struggles, doubt and fear, but my faith keeps me focused on what He wants from me, not what I want!

Lastly, this is the scary one, I know for sure that I'm not finished failing Him.  I know that I am a broken and weak, sinful person.  I know that I will continue to make mistakes and I know that it's o.k. I know that God loves me for exactly who I am today.  I am His daughter and His love for me is unconditional.  When I face challenges in my future, I know that I will not always handle them the way He wants me to and I will not surrender the control over to Him.  I will refuse to trust Him with everything and only give some things over to Him.  I know I will fall down and I KNOW THAT HE WILL PICK ME UP...EVERY SINGLE TIME!

So, no, I'm not a hypocrite, I'm human and I'm His work in progress...and I'm o.k. with that.  I believe He is too!

Jeremiah 1:5 "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb.  Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations."

Listen to His voice, hear His call for you even if you don't feel ready, he will meet you where you are and equip you.

Women's Intuition?? I don't think so!

Last night, laying in bed, I got that sick feeling in my stomach...you know the one, like something just isn't quite right with the people in your life?  Somebody is up to something and I know it and I can feel it in my stomach and I am going to accuse and investigate until I figure it out.  I tossed, I turned, I played out conversations in my head, I had it all figured out...Then, I prayed...I let the Holy Spirit come over me and I felt a calm inside my soul and I fell asleep.

I cannot tell you how many times I have flipped out on my husband, kids, family members and even friends because I didn't trust what they were telling me!  I would take a little situation and blow it up into something that became huge, all because of my "women's intuition"!  I know that my past experiences with those that I love dearly have created a sense of paranoia within me and therefore I would believe what my gut was telling me about any given situation. It's crazy how many times I've been right on with my instincts, my family even tells me I should be a private investigator "when I grow up".  My youngest son is convinced that I have eyes in the back of my head.  Oh, I wish!
There are many times, however, that my gut was way off.  I have been so wrong so many times and have jumped to so many conclusions that fights were started and turmoil was created for no reason at all.  I have made assumptions about friends talking about me, I've accused my kids of things that they're not even considering doing and my husband has been thrown under the bus by me more times than I can count.  Satan just loves when we do this, right? Stir up a little drama all in the name of the evil one.
I wouldn't say that I don't have reasons to feel insecure; I have been lied to and I have been hurt many times by people that I have loved and trusted.  But what I have discovered recently is that there is a huge difference between a "gut instinct" or "woman's intuition" and that of the Holy Spirit residing inside of the depths of my heart and soul.

How I discovered that is not very easy to describe except that my personal relationship with Jesus Christ is at the highest point it's ever been in my life.  He is my best friend and He is who I try to go to for every single decision in my life.  If I'm not going to Him about something, then something must be wrong with what I want to do.  I say "try to go" to Him for every decision because there are days and times when I don't, either with my words or actions, and I usually end up regretting something I said or did. When I gossip about someone, make accusations about the people I love the most, when I put something I shouldn't on social media or when I'm just being plain sinful, that is when I am not going to Him and I feel it.  I try to shrug that feeling off and ignore it.  Sometimes he's that annoying little voice that's getting in the way of me saying and doing whatever makes me feel good at the time, but I know He's waiting for me to figure it out.  I eventually figure it out.  Lately, I figure it out a lot more quickly than I used to! Yay me! And Yay for the people around me!

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  There is no law against these things!" Galatians 5:22-23

I am sinful, I am weak, I am broken and I can only be healed with Him and through Him by way of the Holy Spirit.  I don't really believe in the gut anymore, well, I know I have one, but that's not the one I'm referring to.  That gut feeling or women's intuition has gotten me into so much trouble and has caused so much pain for me and others, it can't be right.  It has led me to fly off the handle or caused me to say things on a whim that I never meant to let come out of my mouth.  It's caused me much more harm than good.  I knew that way of thinking and reacting had to go and it's not something that magically happened overnight! This has been a very very long road for me and is still continuing.

Since I have learned to talk to the Lord every single day, throughout the day, I have formed a relationship with Him that I do not want to sever.  Like any relationship, it takes time to develop and grow.  Every time I go to Him in thanks or in prayer, I feel that much closer to Him and I feel the Holy Spirit take over a little bit more of what's inside of me.  I'm tearing up a little as I type this, because it's a feeling I can never fully describe.  I can only tell you how incredible it feels to be led by it.  I rely on the Father, the Son and now The Holy Spirit every chance I get.  This is what guides me through my day and it's what guides my words and actions to be just a little more Christ like with each passing moment.  God expects us to sin, that is the reason He sent His only son to die on the cross for us.  The blood of Jesus covers my sin and yours and the Holy Spirit can only help us navigate through this life if we tap into that relationship with Jesus.  I mess up daily! I allow the enemy to drag me down with people or situations that pull me from this euphoric feeling.  I just know that with every passing day, if I stay on this path with Him, that will happen less and less.

"And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness.  For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Holy Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will." Romans 8:26-27

My goal when I get to Heaven is to see His face, no...wait...not just see His face!  I want to touch it, I want to grab His beautiful hand, I want to touch His cheek and feel His presence.  I don't want to get there and search for Him amongst all the clouds and angels.  I don't want to be in the back row when I get there! My dream is to have a front row seat in Heaven!  The only way I can get there is to continue on this journey with God as my Father, Jesus as my best friend and the Holy Spirit as my guide.

Oh and P.S. the Holy Spirit is not always going to tell you what you want to hear...listen anyway!

Losing the security blanket of pain

Have you ever met someone that every time that you have an encounter with her you can pretty much see the sadness, grief, or anger all over her face?  The type of person that has a negative vibe pouring out of them and it's so powerful that it almost becomes contagious.
Are you that woman?  Do you see that person when you look in the mirror?  Does your family see that in you on a daily basis? Are they tiptoeing around you because there is a very good chance you will raise your voice at them or bring them down in some way?
Yep, that was me, mostly to the people inside my home, unfortunately, but it was me and still me, sometimes!  I'm proud to say it's not as often as it used to be, but that attitude of cranky "poor me" definitely rears it's ugly head every so often and it is not attractive!

It is perfectly natural to have feelings of sadness when we are hurt by gossip, physical or emotional abuse or a betrayal of some kind.  I believe that it's o.k. to grieve for an extended period of time when we go through a divorce or the death of a loved one or even during the empty nest stage of our lives.  We can get very angry at God when things don't go according to our plan.  If a loved one gets sick or we lose a job and can't pay our bills, we get bitter and resentful and we tend to wear it, not only on the inside, but on the outside too!   It starts to become the face we wear day after day, it can even become our best friend or security blanket and it's difficult to let it go. If you've seen this in yourself or someone else, you know, it's not a pretty sight! No amount of beauty products can cover up the look of disdain and unhappiness on our face or even in our body language when we let these negative emotions become WHO we are!

I have so many memories of myself getting so frustrated and angry when my kids were little and they wouldn't drink their bottle fast enough or get dressed quickly and I was in a hurry to get out the door.  I remember when my little 4 yr old girl was at dance class and she didn't want to dance in front of the other girls and I would scream at her when we got in the car after class because I was embarrassed (ouch...that's a painful memory).  Several years ago, I would be so tired from staying up too late or being out too late and drinking too much and I would yell at my kids from the moment we got up in the  morning until the moment they got to school.  If I wouldn't have changed that, I don't know what my relationship would look like with my kids today!
I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone in the morning.  I had my own agenda, my own timing and I didn't want anybody in my way.  My one girlfriend teases me to this day about how I would literally run away from her in the pre school parking lot so that I wouldn't have to have a friendly conversation.  I was just awful!  Just thinking about the way I acted toward others makes me cringe.  I was happy, laughing and smiling one moment and sad and bitter the next.  It's no wonder I was eventually mis-diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.  It, in fact, wasn't bi-polar, it was simply a very lonely, bitter soul clinging on to the pain from my low self esteem, the huge mistakes I had made that hurt others, the deaths of my brothers, my marital problems, my financial situation and the lies I told myself about the person I was.  In my mind, I had excuse after excuse to behave this way.

I didn't address my guilt, regret, shame or bitterness with anyone, really, and I definitely did not hand it over to The Lord, even though he was right there waiting for it all!
My comfort was to hold on to it and wear it as long as I could. I was trying to mask my truth but that truth really was out there for the people I love to see day in and day out.  It pains me so deeply to know that this was the person, the mother, the wife that I used to be.
BUT...I love the BUTS in my stories...I was redeemed!  I learned that I do not have to wear a face of anger, jealousy or sadness forever (and boy was my family thrilled)!  I truly thank God that I have forgiving people in my life and I've even learned to forgive myself.
I know now that it was o.k. to hold on to those feelings for a while, but eventually, we need to replace them with God's grace and everlasting love and hope.  After addressing the emotions that were starting to define me and praying about them, writing about them and speaking about them, I began to feel a sense of relief.  A peacefulness started to come over me and take my heart over.  I started to understand that God is always going to throw road blocks up in front of me and that Satan is sometimes going to attack and get the best of me, that is inevitable.  But now I know that God's purpose for my life is intentional and if I embrace the heartache as much as I do the joy, then I can wear appropriate emotions on the outside but they will never define me again.

Not all of us are in a faithful spot in our lives.  Maybe you don't have a strong faith in God and you feel like you're in a hole that you can't seem dig your way out of.  Perhaps, you don't know where to begin or how to start the process of putting the suffering behind you and truly strive to wake up every day literally wearing the glory of God on your face, in your voice and in every part of who you are.  It's not always easy and it doesn't all have to happen at once.  There is no magic remedy for being hurt and sad, but there is a new beginning for all of us to relieve ourselves of it!

You're starting by reading my blog right now and possibly sharing it with another woman in your life that may need it also.  It is vital that we shepherd to one another and through Christ to filter our way through the suffering and make our way to peace, awareness and hope! We are not alone!
After that, perhaps you just download an inspirational app on your phone (ie. Jesus Calling) or you tune in to some Christian music on your way home from work, pick up a devotional at the book store.  Stop by your local church this weekend and see what God wants you to hear, find out what He's just waiting to pour into your soul.  If none of that is in your comfort zone, just reach out to a faithful friend.  Reach out to someone that you admire and you know she has been through difficult times, but she has found victory in her life rather than being a victim to her circumstances.

We are all in this together!  There are still days when I'm not wearing my joy all over my face.  Every so often I let my sadness creep up and I take it out on others.  That is called being a human being and I know it's o.k. What's not o.k. is when we make that our identity and embrace it.  God wants more for us!  He wants you to see that you are beautiful and made in His image.  He wants us all to know that our painful experiences and our sins do not define us, it's just all a part of our unique story on our journey to salvation!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Falling out of the boat

Can you imagine being in a boat in the middle of the ocean, lost, confused, afraid and having no tangible resources to help you get back?  Think about it for a minute.  That thought really frightens me to death!  Then, go one step further and think about the wind and the waves picking up and you ultimately fall out of the boat and you have no help getting back in.  Eventually, you WILL drown!  My biggest fear, besides clowns, is drowning! (fun fact)

That is how I have recently been thinking of my life before I fully allowed God in to my heart and soul.  It is also how I felt when I refused to listen to His calling and purpose for my life and tried to do it all on my own.  Of course, at the time, I didn't see it like this at all.  I didn't envision a lost boat with no captain and no way to return to shore.  Back in those days, I probably looked at it more like, I was the captain of my ship and I could handle whatever comes my way, ON MY OWN!  I was so so wrong about that.

If you looked at me on the outside, you might see someone that is smiling or laughing most of the time.  You might say I have a lot of friends and I'm very social and I may have even looked like I have it all together. I've been like that since I was a little girl.  Youngest of 9 kids, running the neighborhood and pretty happy go lucky for the most part.  On the outside, I don't look like someone that's doing anything on my own,  I was surrounded by people.  I have friends, family and I'm floating along pretty well.  What I found out several years back is that most of all of that was an act.  I wasn't trying to put on an act, I just went through the motions and getting by.
I had 8 older siblings and I was brushed aside quite a bit.  My oldest sister raised me for the most part and I never felt super close to my parents until I got much older.  They were just too busy and very overwhelmed.  They loved me very much but this was just the way my life was in this big family!  It was how things fell into place after Mark died.  My parents lost their 22 yr old son in a tragic car accident 2 days after Christmas and had to continue to raise 8 other children.  Imagine that.  I didn't get it.  My mom could not parent me the way that she probably wanted to after that.  She was numb, I'm sure and felt that her right arm was cut off.  I was a little 8 year old just searching for where I fit in all of this.  I felt that I had to beg for attention and eventually, when I didn't get it, I started finding it in other places.  Bad places.  My reputation in high school was not the best BUT I had lots of friends, so that must mean I was doing ok, right?  Not so much!  My younger years of feeling insecure and inferior led straight into my adult life, yet nobody really knew it because I wore a smile most of the time and was constantly trying to be the center of attention.

However, two very big things were missing in my life...GOD and my ability to reveal my true pain and emotions to the women in my life.  I was trying to do it alone and I was slowly, slowly drowning.  Like, I'm talking, drowning to the point where my head was under water and I was gasping for air.  It took several blows to see that I could not survive this way.

My journey to where I am now has been a long one and it's ongoing.  Seeing the light of faith after church retreats and speaking to groups of women has been a blessing beyond belief for me.  I've always been taught to have faith in God and I have many women (and men) in my life that exhibit such a strong faith through suffering. My mom and my sisters are prime examples of faith in God and faith in each other.  When the going gets tough, the Krueger women get tougher!  They are my inspiration as well as my mentor, Rebecca!

As a 42 year old woman, I can now honestly say, that I don't always have a smile on my face and sometimes when I do, it may even be fake.  I don't have as many friends as I used to have and I certainly don't like to be half as social as I used to be.  But I can also say this...I am NOT doing it on my own anymore!  I am learning to examine my heart and lay the emotions that are a result from past/current pain in my life, at the foot of the cross!  I am learning to ask myself why I feel angry, bitter, resentful, fearful and then talk to the Lord about those feelings.  I am also learning to rely on other women in my life with these feelings.  I am being vulnerable in a way that I have never been able to be.  I am trusting this group of women in my ministry with truth from life experiences and through that they are helping me learn how to love fully and leave the pain in the past.
I need to be able to reach out for His hand and I now realize that I need other women in the boat with me when I am suffering.  I do not have to do this alone.  If I start to fall out of the boat, I'm not afraid anymore because I have women by my side pulling me back in!

I believe that we have to do this together ladies!  We have to choose to be surrounded by people that will encourage us in our faith and who let us fall apart if we need to and then help us pick up the pieces along the way.  To me, it is so important to find our comfort level speaking to the Lord, but also being able to unload to a trustworthy person that may hold you accountable in this life!  Find someone that you can reveal your pain too and then she will help you carry on!  She'll throw you a lifejacket when you're drowning!
Do you know who that person or people are in your life?  It doesn't have to be a best friend, it doesn't have to be someone in your town or community.  That could be scary if she's "too close to home" to reveal your inner most thoughts and feelings.  Perhaps she's at church or she writes a blog that you like (wink) or she's a friend of a friend or a relative...Do you have someone like that?  I bet she's out there waiting for you to call on her.  Maybe she's waiting for you too!
I have had Christian, spiritual friends all of my life, but I wasn't able to truly tap into my emotions with them and I kept up the act with them and with myself!
Through the Holy Spirit, I have the ability to open up now and I know that with these women and with God, I may end up in the deep end, but I will never drown!

"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.  But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm.  But how can one be warm alone?  A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.  Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."  Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Why me?

How many times have you asked yourself or God this question, "Why me"?  Why is MY child going through this struggle and the children in HER family all seem to be perfect?  Why is my marriage on the verge of divorce and that couple across the street seem to have it all together? Why do I struggle with a food addiction and my best friend can eat whatever she wants and look fabulous? Why God? Why me?

We sometimes tend to shake our fists at the sky when something tragic or painful happens in our lives, don't we? I know I have done that many times!  We can't seem to figure out why we have to suffer so much when others don't seem to be suffering at all.  It's not fair, right?
What I have been learning lately, though, is that it's not meant to be fair.  What I am finally starting to figure out is that God has a plan for me in this life and until I started to truly understand that, I would never be able to work through any bad events that happen to me or the people I care about.

When we suffer a loss or abuse, divorce, infidelity, cancer or any tragic event, we start to fill our head and heart with fear and a lot of doubt!  Doubting God's plan and His purpose for us is very normal and I believe it's ok.  I mean it's hard to believe in something that you can't reach out and touch.  It really makes you wonder what this is all about and why so many people spend so much time trying to get others to buy into this whole God thing!  Doubting Him comes with the territory of faith at times.  However, I believe that doubting for too long can get us into a bit of trouble.  There is a fine line between doubting and losing our faith all together.  That fine line is where the enemy is sitting and waiting for you to fall straight into his lap.  "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves" Matthew 7:15
It can be very easy to give up on the Lord and follow the "easier" path into destruction.

The days when I have wanted to give up because my marriage was in turmoil and I didn't have any answers, I doubted God, I started to give up on Him and rely only on myself.  I tried to control my husband, I tried to control the outcome of every argument, I was a mess!  Trust, Finances, Mis communication, lack of respect...name it!  I tried to control it, on my own without God's help or without the help of any of the amazing Christian women in my life. That failed miserably for me and for my family!  I had no choice but to turn it around and grasp on to my faith.  The good news, no, the GREAT news is that He never abandons us, we are the ones that turn our back on Him.  He was right there waiting for me, time after time!

In having doubts, I think that is the time when God challenges us to yearn for Him even more.  He wants us to thirst for knowledge and allow ourselves to dive deeper into His word for answers.  Whether it be the Bible, a new church or a Christian woman in our lives that can help us sort through the why's and move on to what now.

God was whispering to me for years to lead other women to be closer to Him.  He has been trying to tell me to use some of the things that I have gone through to bring women to Him and help them lay their fears, anxiety and doubts at the foot of the cross.  He was telling me to learn more about Him and follow the purpose that He has for me on this earth.  I couldn't help but wonder "why me God?"
I am broken and weak!  I am a sinner and I'm not "fixed" yet.  Why are you asking me to do this?
I wasted a lot of time, asking Him why me instead of just listening to what He was asking me to do.
I am now figuring out that none of this is for me, but for Him.

I feel myself getting closer to Christ every day through this ministry.  That is the only answer I need right now.  I now know that the heartache I have faced in my life up until now has been preparation for doing His work.  He has made me stronger and more faithful.  That didn't happen because my life has been easy or pain free, but it's because of the struggles that have come my way, that have helped make me more faithful and able to face each day head on.  I know my pain is not over.  I know that I will cry many more tears on this journey on earth, but He is teaching me that if I lay it all at His feet, He will lead me on my path to Him in Heaven.  When in doubt, we need Him and we need each other.  Pray and listen to His whispers, He is calling you too.

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you.  Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Taking the long black robe off and let God be the Judge!

I guess if I'm going to put myself out there and write a blog, I have to be honest, right? Ok, I honestly stayed up until 3am watching Wife Swap last night!  What can I tell you, it's addicting.  I love seeing the extremes of the 2 families and how they may or may not make an impact on the other one's life.  But you know what I realized after watching episode after episode?  There is so much judgement! The wives judge the wives, the husbands judge the wives, the kids judge the wives...ugh so much judgement!  No wonder we all go through life tip toeing around wondering if we're wearing the right clothes, saying the right thing, living in the right neighborhood, etc. etc. etc.  We are constantly surrounded by others judging us and worst of all judging ourselves.

I also have something else to admit to you...I am 42 years old and am just NOW starting to worry a little less about what others think of me and focus more on what God thinks of me.  After all, He is my creator and I will be judged by Him one day, not all of you!  The girl next door surely isn't getting me my seat in Heaven, is she?  I believe women are so worried about what others think of us and the way we parent, our financial status, who we date, what we wear, where we shop, who we hang out with, even what church we go to, that we forget to just look at each other as beautiful daughters of God, created for a purpose.

We have not walked in each other's shoes (though we may want to borrow them)!  We have not experienced the pain or suffering that someone else has in their life, therefore making them who they are today.  If you met me last year, you probably have no idea that I grew up with a very low self esteem and used attention from boys to get my self worth.  You probably also had no idea that my husband and I were completely broke when we got married, had all 3 of our kids and moved to Texas.
There is a lot you do not know about me, but you may judge me or make assumptions about me.

We do not know that someone we know may have been abused as a child or abandoned by a parent and has still not addressed that pain in her life.  She may be carrying that around and that is why she is hard to talk to or get to know.  It's so easy to jump to conclusions about other women without knowing the first thing about their past or what pain they might be clinging on to and still suffering from.

Let's try to see each other through a different lens.  It doesn't mean we have to be BFF's with every woman we cross paths with, that's not how it's supposed to be.  We  connect with certain women for very specific reasons at very specific times in our lives and that's ok, but maybe extending a little less judgement and a little more understanding and grace would be a welcome change of pace.  I'm pretty sure that's what God is wanting from us...leave the judging to Him.  Though black is slimming, that long, heavy black robe is cumbersome and not flattering at all! Let's shed it once and for all!

To this very day, my self esteem is still not the highest that it could be and I am definitely not always speaking truth to myself about why God loves me so much and what He sees in me, but I'm working on it everyday.  I have good days and bad.  I still struggle with how I look at myself, my past actions, my weight, my marriage and parenting.  The kind of friend I am and the kind of "leader" in ministry I will be petrifies me at times.  I'm having a little anxiety right now just writing this.  However, I have grown so much these past few years and I credit that to addressing the pain in my life head on and searching for God's purpose in it.  I know that we are all faced with very different circumstances and I am trying to use my past heartaches to teach me how to endure future ones, even the ones I have today!

Keep the faith ladies, speak truth to yourself about yourself and look at each other a little differently today, with less animosity, jealously and judgement and more understanding and love. Pray for each other and let God be the judge!  After all...He has a spot waiting for all of us and I for one, want to be in the front row!

Ephesians 4:23-25 "Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God - truly righteous and holy. So stop telling lies.  Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body."

I just want you to be "happy"

Happiness - what does it mean?  What does it really mean when people say, "I just want you to be happy"?  "If it makes you happy, do it"!
I recently saw that on a text message from a friend to my daughter.  She said, "well, my mom said that she doesn't agree with what I'm doing, but if it makes me happy, then she's happy."  I kind of got a little sick to my stomach after reading that.  Is that what we're teaching our kids?  Is this what we're saying to each other as we help guide each other through tough times?  As long as your happy, then it's all good...

I see things very differently.  A few years back, after my brother died, I went through a very tough time.  I didn't handle his death well and as the days turned into months,  I began to self destruct.  I made very poor choices in my life and there was no one to blame but me.  Those who know me well, know now that I was not "happy" at that point, but it sure did look like I was having a good time.  I shopped, I smiled, I laughed, I drank...I looked "happy".  I didn't even know how truly unhappy I was.
Eventually, my life spinned so far out of control that I was forced to break down and face the demons in my life that were there long before Paul passed away.
I had to get real!

I have since changed the way I look at happiness and now I search for peace and JOY rather than happiness.  I am using my faith in the Lord to search for the kind of contentment that you can only get when you can look at each day, no matter what you are faced with and know that He's got this and He's got me!  To me, happiness is a fleeting emotion that comes and goes as quickly as the weather in Texas changes.  I'm happy when I buy a new purse or pair of shoes, I'm happy when I watch a funny tv show or when I eat a good meal.  But, happiness can change just as quickly with a mean spoken word or a child's bad grade or a husband's bad mood.
I choose to search for JOY in my life.  An inner peace that can make me feel safe, secure and content regardless of what is going on around me.  Now, if you know me well, you know that I am clearly still searching for that feeling.  I can still get sad and angry...I am still annoyed and moody.  Forgive me, I'm human and I have emotions.  But because of my growing faith in Christ and my belief that I will be with God someday, I am comforted and more at peace than I ever have been in my life.

Being happy is a fun, great emotion but I want to encourage all women in supporting each other in finding inner peace!.  Let's help one another find joy in our lives even when there is sorrow.  Isn't it a disservice to the women that we care about to tell them to stay with that guy if he makes her happy, but she knows he's no good in the long run because he doesn't like her kids or staying in a job that makes her happy because the money is great, but she feels worthless and used?

Peace can be found by relying on God daily and going to Him for comfort and thanks and talking to Him every day as if he is your best friend. I want us all to be confident that in our worst times, that He is holding us in His arms and loving us right where we are.  That's a peaceful feeling that doesn't go away!

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Give Satan an inch, he'll take your life!

He is a sneaky little devil, isn't he?  Just when you think you've got it figured out and you're on a high because you feel as though you're doing everything or most everything you're supposed to be doing...Satan comes in and shakes it up!

My question is, does God allow Satan to mess with us and tempt us?  Does God allow the enemy to attack us?  A woman I know taught me some things about this and I believe that He does in some cases.  Stay tuned for biblical back up on that, but you can start with the book of Job.

My group of women in my healing ministry officially started meeting in November, I started my blog on Sat and went to an amazing church service Sunday about daring to dream and following what God wants for us.  I have been on a high of peace and joy as I've been obedient to God's path for me.  I have had so much love and support from my husband, my kids and the women in my life, I felt like there was nothing that can bring me down, even in the midst of the current drama in my life.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know that bad things happen to "good" people and I know that's when I need to rely on my faith the most, but I will tell you, that when I am weak and my flesh takes over my spirit, I just want to give up!

So, what I'm trying to say is this...people will try to bring you down.  Just when you think you're unbreakable, a person or a situation or a random act will creep in to get the best of you.  DO NOT fall into it!  This is the work of the devil and if we give him an inch, he could very well just take your life over.  He will take something that looks minor and tempt you to get upset over it or gossip about it or start controversy over it, or have anxiety about it and you will begin to question yourself.
This is when we have got to turn to our women of faith and seek wisdom among our confusion.
You will question your own motives, you'll wonder if it's all worth it...this faith thing.  It is!! Keep pressing on!

Find the women in your life that truly love you and will be vulnerable with you.  We are not all going through the same thing or have the same life experiences.  We do not always struggle at the same time.  Some of our pain is more raw and exposed than others, but we have got to be there for each other.  Do it daily, do it as much as you need to because we all need to prepare ourselves for the attacks that we WILL inevitably face.

Ephesians 6:13
"Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil.  Then after the battle, you will be standing firm."

Dirty Words

FEAR, ANGER, HELPLESSNESS, REGRET, BITTERNESS, ANXIETY, SADNESS, HOPELESS, SHAME....any of these emotions sound familiar as we examine the hurt that we've experienced in our lives?  It's pretty painful to view these words with a microscope and really dig in to what they mean to us as they relate to our suffering.  However, it must be done!
Part of the problem that I used to face was running from the raw emotions that go hand in hand with painful situations in my life.  My faith in the Lord was weak, but my faith in my own way of dealing with situations was, well, weak too.  But I certainly could figure it out before God could, right?  Yeah, not so much!
What I did was bury these emotions and cover them with the things of this world instead of with turning them over to His loving arms!

As women, I truly feel that the only way to get to who we really are and live in peace, is to get in touch with those emotions that come from hurtful experiences, give them over to God and also to each other! Why do we make such an effort to hide that we've been hurt?  Why do we live with this burden of faking a smile when we're dying inside because of a messy situation in our lives?  We are ALL experiencing some type of pain from our childhood, our adult life and possibly right this very second! We have GOT to find God and then we have got to find a woman or women in our lives that we can fall apart to.  BUT...and this is a BIG BUT...this is not about wallowing in the pain! Hear me when I say, the reason to go to our Christian women is not to complain and whine, it is to examine the "dirty" words and what they mean to us and then scoop them out and move forward!  We have to help each other find the purpose in our pain and then begin living in freedom from it!  Women that truly want to help you will not necessarily tell you want to hear and be your cheerleader, they will, quite possibly, tell you what you NEED to hear!

It's kind of funny, well, not really very funny but between the deaths in my family (2 brothers), the accident my brother in law had many years ago, the alcoholism and drugs, the marital problems i've faced, the sickness of parents...(the list actually goes on), I got through it all! Here I am! Only by the grace of God I am still here and standing firm on faith!  Let me tell you, my faith was not what I relied on through those things! The extent of my true faith was probably a few decorative crosses on my walls.  Those are the days when I just walked through life, doing my thing the best I could and burying the raw emotions that come with pain and struggles.  It started to define who I thought I was. I always believed in God, but until a couple of years ago when I went on a woman's retreat and met a woman that inspired me and saw something more in me, I didn't know what faith really meant and how it could help me in future battles.

I'm finding purpose in all of the hardships in my life.  When I began my women's ministry with this group of amazing women just recently, I thought I could lead them through this because I was in a fairly good, "pain free", and peaceful place.  Then this holiday season I was slapped with yet another huge challenge!  I believe God is saying, "put your money where your mouth is Jen...you preach faith and peace and women shepherding other women, let's see what you got."  He's so good at challenging me like that and it's really quite frustrating.   I stepped up though!  I had to be a leader and hold it together! Not by fake but by faith!  I trusted Him to get us through! There was one day that I lost it, fell apart, hit the wall...no, literally, I HIT a wall...but no sooner than those tears flowed, I realized that HE has got this and He's got me!

I asked my ministry girls for prayers and I am moving forward every day! We need each other ladies and we need Jesus! We are all in different stages of our suffering and pain, but we all have it and it's ok to admit it.  Examine the dirty words, so that you can work toward the words like PEACE, HOPE, FREEDOM, AWARENESS AND PURPOSE.

From Pumpkin to Jack O Lantern

When I started my Healing Ministry a few months ago, I had thought that I was on the other side of pain.  Boy, was I wrong about that!  As it turns out, we're never really on the other side of pain, we're just in a different stage of it.
The big question is, how do we deal with it?  Ha!  That's a tricky one. Drinking a little too much wine? Hanging with the people that tell you what you think you want to hear? Dancing with the devil a little bit?  Been there, done that!  As Dr. Phil would say, "How's that workin for ya?"
For me, it led to prescription drugs, bad parenting, the verge of divorce and an in patient stay at the looney bin a few years back. Needless to say, it didn't work out too well for me!  Not everybody goes to those extremes when "dealing" with a hurt or heartache.  Some of us bury it, fake it, perform for each other and pretend that our lives are perfect!  Ahh....gotta love that word, PERFECT!  Women go through life thinking we have to be something we're not to impress others...what if we just decided to be there for each other?  What if we decided to minister to each other and stop judging each other? What if we were just on each other's team in this thing?
We don't think we have healthy outlets so the suffering that we have endured throughout our lives just builds up inside of us until one day, it takes over who we are!

I compare it to the gunk inside of a pumpkin that you have to dig and scoop out before carving your Halloween Jack O Lantern!  

God began whispering to me about this gift He gave me a few years back but fear held me back from truly listening to Him and acting on it.  He finally hit me over the head with a 2x4 and I have now started my journey in obedience to Him.  I am called to help women dig through the hurt, the pain that they have endured and finally live life free of the chains that bind them.  
I searched and searched for a bible study that I could lead for women in my church and friends of mine, but nothing jumped out at me.  There wasn't a book or a study that said the things that I felt God wanted me to convey.
 Then, I realized, "Jen, you have endured more pain in your 42 years than you ever thought possible, just do it yourself!" So, here I am.  

My ministry, my blog, my calling is to help women shepherd each other through the hurt they have experienced.  Divorce, death, abuse, infidelity, teen problems, abortions, blended marriages, eating disorders, etc etc etc...
God is calling me to help dig out the gunk, address it, recognize it, face it and get it all out so that all of us can put a candle in our "jack o lantern" and let our light shine the way He intended!

My oldest brother died in a car accident when I was 8 years old....that was the beginning of my journey of faith and pain and let me tell you, I'm in the center of a huge storm right now in my life, but I believe that Jesus Christ, my redeemer, along with faithful Christian women will help me continue to let my light shine!  My fear fades every single day because of the gift that I am finally being obedient to.

 In my blog, you will be reading bits and pieces of my story, but most importantly, you will be reading how to survive through the love of Christ and hope that other Christian women can give to each other. 
James 5:16 says, "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results."

This is my journey Called Heartwork...finding purpose through pain.