At 6:30am on Tuesday, January 10th, 2017, I received a phone call that would ultimately rock my world and change my life forever.
"Jen", Kevin said calmly into the phone, "Robyn is in the hospital, I don't know any details but you need to call Scott right away". Shock, disbelief, panic set in immediately and then I went straight in to action. I was in no way prepared for what the rest of that day would hold for all of us that have known and so deeply loved and cherished our dear friend, Robyn Ruth.
As I approach the 7 month mark of losing my "sister", I find that I am finally able to put some of this pain that I've been experiencing into words or just kind of vomiting a bunch of random words, but whatever...you'll get what I mean as you read.
You see, before Robyn passed away (I still have a hard time using that phrase), I was in a fairly decent place in my life. Outside of being mom and wife, I was working out regularly, I was going to church consistently, I was active in my social life and I was in the process of writing and self publishing my first women's study with a planned Amazon release of Spring 2017. All of those things came to a screeching halt on January 10th.
I will warn you in advance that this blog post will most likely be pretty scattered and all over the place, as I'm not sure where I'm even going with it, I just know that as I was showering this morning and asking God what He wants from me now, He told me to write again. He told me that I need to get back to writing so that I can start to somehow feel some sense of relief from this pain that cuts so deep day in and day out.
I don't necessarily want to relive the weeks and months following Robyn's death through this post, but I will say that there is not an hour that goes by every single day that I am not reminded of her in some way, even if it's just because I glance at her picture next to my bed when I wake in the morning or falling asleep at night. Or maybe it's the fact that her face is on my keychain and her name is on the travel cup I drink from daily. Creepy to some, but necessary to me. You should have seen Kevin's reaction when I suggested somehow putting her face in the new kitchen backsplash...I was joking, of course...kinda. ;)
That girl had no idea the impact that she had on my life. No-one will ever know. Robyn was the ying to my yang and she was the missing piece of my heart that I didn't even know I was missing for all the years prior to meeting her. The friendship we shared was not one that I can ever truly describe to anyone else. We had something so unique and dysfunctional in our own very special way, that it is difficult to put into words. Perhaps that is one of the reasons that writing has been a challenge for me these past several months. The last thing I wrote before today was my friends eulogy.
So, clearly this is not the most inspirational or uplifting things that I have written thus far, so I do apologize for that, but it's a form of therapy for me, so I'm just gonna keep at it. You're welcome to turn away...
I am a big believer in hope in all circumstances. So my hope is that with each passing day I can release some of this overwhelming grief and cherish the blessings I had when she was a tangible presence in my life. I feel that I'm never going to get used to not having her insert herself into the life of my family (in a loving way, of course), or that I'm going to get used to not getting the random inappropriate text messages from her, or getting the FaceTime calls from her just because she's bored or running errands and asking what I'm up to. I don't think I'll ever get used to having this hole in my soul where she used to be. However, I do have hope that I will learn to eventually put on a 100% full on smile, with no tears when I talk about the incredible, irreplaceable friend that she was in my life. I have hope that when certain songs come on the radio, I don't totally lose it, I just lose it a little bit less than I did the day before. That's my hope...for now.
I have been going back to church slowly since March, Im back to some very light work outs from time to time, I've eased into social activities with those I feel safest with my grief, but when it came to writing again, I've simply been stuck! Stuck, I think because I just couldn't even breathe at times let alone put thoughts and feelings into profound writing.
It's ironic, you know...my blog and my women's ministry is all primarily based on women leaning on one another, God and their faith to find their purpose through painful circumstances. I have written about this, blogged about it, led groups surrounding this topic many times for several years and yet, here I am...lost and spinning trying to find my purpose through this devastating pain.
I thought I could write and lead on this topic with a bit of ease, because throughout my 46 years I have endured so much adversity and loss and have seemingly overcome a lot of it with the support of family, friends and of course, my God. I thought I kind of had this stuff all figured out and if any painful moments would ever creep up again, I would be strong enough to pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward. Um...not so much. Thanks for the wake up call God! This one really knocked the wind out of me. Thankfully, though, I hear His voice and I am slowly beginning to listen.
Robyn was always one of my biggest fans of my blog and my Facebook posts on my "HeartWork" page. She always encouraged me and believed in me even when I didn't. She was a huge part of my strength. I guess I would be failing her a tad if I give up now when the pain is at it's deepest.
I don't know where I'll go from here with my writing or my ministry or even just with tomorrow but I do know that I have an angel who is on my side cheering for me. For that I am grateful and hopeful today. And with each day comes a new sense of strength.
I'm so thankful for my faith, my devoted, prayerful and loving family and my relationships that have deepened beyond anything I could have ever imagined. That is where my hope lies today. And for that....I am blessed.
I'll never be the same Jen that I once was. I will always feel that a piece of my "life puzzle" is missing and I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my mind around the what's and the why's. When you see me smiling or laughing in the days to come, it will be authentic and genuine, but if you look deeply into my eyes, you will see a sadness that will never heal. My Robyn is gone now and though I have to learn to accept this and live the life that God has blessed me with, I will always hold her close to me in the depths of my heart and in my soul.
This is as good as it gets today...
Monday, July 31, 2017
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Obedience ~ My Path to Peace
For months now, God has been laying it on my heart to write about obedience. I would come up with new blog post ideas and He would tell me, "no, Jen, I want you to write about obedience". It was so annoying! He kept on me over and over...
So, what did I choose to do? I ignored Him all together and did not write at all. Instead of doing what I was being commanded to do, I chose, time and time again to be DISobedient and not write about this topic, until now. As I sit and ask myself why it's been such a difficult subject for me to dive into, I can only come up with one answer...being obedient is not always fun and let's face it, I like fun! Just look at the definition and you'll see what I mean: Obedience - "compliance with an order, request, or law or submission to another's authority". Seriously...that does not sound like much fun to me!
However, obedience has been something that we've been knocked over the head with over and over again since we were small children. How often, growing up, did you hear, "how many times do I have to tell you to _________ (fill in the blank)?" We were told to share our toys, to clean up our rooms, to play nice with our siblings and, as the 5th Commandment says, Honor (Obey) your mother and father. You can't argue with that one, it's from the Big man upstairs!
Then, as we grew up, we learned to be obedient to teachers, police officers, to our elders and our bosses. Obedience has been a part of our lives from day one and it is something we just can't get away from, so we might as well face it head on, embrace it and see what benefits it might have for us.
For so many years, being obedient was not one of my strongest attributes, my parents can definitely attest to that! I was a good kid overall, but I definitely broke a few rules from time to time, especially in my teenage years. As I grew older and more "mature", I was much better with following rules and doing what was required of me from my bosses and other figures of authority. I reported to work on time, I did the tasks that I was asked to do and I was fairly successful in most of my duties. I was obedient to my doctor when I became pregnant (well, I may have not always eaten the way he recommended) but, overall, I followed his guidelines for healthy pregnancies. We may want to defy obedience at first, but as we have learned through all of the things that I have mentioned, is that when we follow the rules, it usually bodes well for us. We are rewarded one way or another. Whether it be a new toy because we behaved at school or a bonus for a job well done, or a healthy baby because we ate right, obedience can have it's upsides!
Now, as I revisit why I think God has wanted me to write about this particular command, I realize it's because I have a very personal story to share about a recent revelation about my spiritual growth and maturity and that not so fun word...obedience. I fought Him on writing about this because it means that I have to be really honest and vulnerable in order to help others see what it could mean for them to also be obedient to The Lord.
Matthew 7:13-14 says, "Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it."
This scripture is a bit daunting but it is absolutely my truth!
My marriage of 21 1/2 years has not always been one of sunshine and rose petals. NOT EVEN CLOSE! We met as teenagers, became the best of friends and subsequently got married in our early 20's. Seemed like a good idea at the time. We truly loved each other but we definitely had zero clue on what it took to sustain a loving marriage in the sense that God intended for us. We liked to have FUN! We both worked very hard but we definitely made up for it on the weekends by playing hard too. We did this for several years and then we added kids into the mix and continued to do the same thing (smart move, huh?). Growing up Catholic, both of us still believed in God, had faith and prayed when it deemed necessary in our minds, like when we couldn't pay a bill or when we were discussing divorce, but neither of us had a close and intimate relationship with Jesus. We went to church for baptisms, funerals and on the occasional Sunday if we got out of bed on time. We would even throw a couple of bucks in the offering basket as our "tithe". HA!
God was NOT our priority and we were NOT being obedient.
As we suffered through many hardships in our marriage, we somehow continued to maintain our best friendship and by the grace of God (I now realize that), we stayed together. In the midst of serious turmoil, a lot of counseling and serious divorce discussions, our youngest son Gage was born and 11 months later, Kevin was offered a job in Texas! Wow! This is it! A fresh start, a way to escape our demons and begin again, it seemed perfect! I now know that we were being obedient by taking this huge leap of faith in moving across the country where we didn't know a soul, but back then it was just our escape route to try and find "happiness"!
There are so many details and stories I could tell you in relation to our almost 12 years here in Texas, but I'll sum it up with this. We were broke and made the very intelligent decision to join a country club {insert sarcasm}. We made a ton of friends, friends that I treasure to this day, but we continued our days of work hard and play hard. We continued to disrespect each other in our marriage and we began several years of counseling. We spent money we didn't have and we valued material things, trips, places and events that should have never been considered. We were irresponsible in just about every sense of the word and things were not improving. We were taking that "broad road and wide gate" that is referenced in Matthew 7:13-14 and it was leading us to destruction. There were new names and new faces, but the problems did not change. In fact, they worsened at times. The biggest difference, though, was that we were in Texas! The Bible Belt! So, that meant that we visited many churches, there were so many to choose from, and we got involved and began a path of deeper faith mixed with hypocrisy. Not a great combination, yet a very popular one.
Eventually, Kevin and I hit rock bottom! We suffered for years financially, spiritually, maritally and even physically. We knew at that point, we would either implode or we could explode (in a good way)! We slowly but surely looked to Christ to save us from disaster. We found a church home that we could literally call HOME and we still do. We learned how to pray, how to rely on God and to have a relationship with Him. We learned that is all He has ever wanted from us.
We discovered that there were people around us that we could look to for guidance and hope instead of looking for the next best thing. We discovered that we truly loved each other and wanted to spend our lives together and we began to realize what being obedient to our Creator really meant. As I look back, I don't think we became obedient intentionally to earn His rewards or gifts, it just kind of began to happen as we changed our hearts, our minds and our spirits. We became intentional about every aspect of our lives. As he kept saying to us, "how many times do I have to tell you to _______", we began to listen and our lives began to change. We learned that obedience is not just about walking in the church doors weekly or doing our nightly devotional with the kids or volunteering when it was convenient for us. We learned that life was not about things we could buy or places we could travel to, but it is about being with our family and building a strong and healthy relationship with our children. This obedience has strengthened every relationship in our home in every way even in the midst of conflict and it did not happen overnight!
We learned that obedience to Him is an every day, every moment beautifully gratifying experience, but it takes work. It's the narrow road that is sometimes not so fun to take, but the rewards are endless.
Honestly, we have been truly blessed with Kevin's employment and me being able to stay home with the kids and as they get older I get to focus on my ministry. God has allowed Kevin to use his talents and gifts to succeed in business. It's quite ironic how we now have some sense of financial security after years of pretending that we already had it. We spent years trying to fix a marriage without putting God in the center of it and now, we can't survive another anniversary without Him!
The transformation, though, lies in living intentionally for our Father. Please do not mistake what I'm saying about what it means to be obedient. Obedience does NOT mean that one day you pray and the next day you wake up with everything you've dreamed of and prayed for! God does not work that way! If He did, I'm pretty sure everyone would hop on board. However, it does bring a sense of peace and a spirit that begins to live within you that helps you to cope with whatever adversity is thrown your way.
Even after a year of health issues, pain, suffering and the toll it took on us as a family, I am experiencing a peace that I cannot begin to describe but I now know that it is due to my obedience to Him. This peace that now lives in my soul allows me to live joyfully in all circumstances and have true faith in what His plans are for me. I do not worry anymore about pleasing others and trying to be the life of the party, I try so hard not to worry about the teenage issues that we face with our children, I try not to worry about what curve balls might be thrown our way, because I live my life for an audience of one and my faith tells me that He will provide, protect and Love me through whatever adversities I will face.
We still have our trials, we still have setbacks, we still falter and fail regularly and that is why I hunger for Him every day of my life. I am not healed, I am not fixed...I am obedient and when I sin or suffer, I have faith that my Savior will take my hand and bring me back to Him as he faithfully has for my entire life.
"I am the Holy One of Israel: I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is good for you and leads you along the paths you should follow. Oh, that you had listened to my commands! Then you would have had peace flowing like a gentle river and righteousness rolling over you like waves in the sea." Isaiah 48:17-18
So, what did I choose to do? I ignored Him all together and did not write at all. Instead of doing what I was being commanded to do, I chose, time and time again to be DISobedient and not write about this topic, until now. As I sit and ask myself why it's been such a difficult subject for me to dive into, I can only come up with one answer...being obedient is not always fun and let's face it, I like fun! Just look at the definition and you'll see what I mean: Obedience - "compliance with an order, request, or law or submission to another's authority". Seriously...that does not sound like much fun to me!
However, obedience has been something that we've been knocked over the head with over and over again since we were small children. How often, growing up, did you hear, "how many times do I have to tell you to _________ (fill in the blank)?" We were told to share our toys, to clean up our rooms, to play nice with our siblings and, as the 5th Commandment says, Honor (Obey) your mother and father. You can't argue with that one, it's from the Big man upstairs!
Then, as we grew up, we learned to be obedient to teachers, police officers, to our elders and our bosses. Obedience has been a part of our lives from day one and it is something we just can't get away from, so we might as well face it head on, embrace it and see what benefits it might have for us.
For so many years, being obedient was not one of my strongest attributes, my parents can definitely attest to that! I was a good kid overall, but I definitely broke a few rules from time to time, especially in my teenage years. As I grew older and more "mature", I was much better with following rules and doing what was required of me from my bosses and other figures of authority. I reported to work on time, I did the tasks that I was asked to do and I was fairly successful in most of my duties. I was obedient to my doctor when I became pregnant (well, I may have not always eaten the way he recommended) but, overall, I followed his guidelines for healthy pregnancies. We may want to defy obedience at first, but as we have learned through all of the things that I have mentioned, is that when we follow the rules, it usually bodes well for us. We are rewarded one way or another. Whether it be a new toy because we behaved at school or a bonus for a job well done, or a healthy baby because we ate right, obedience can have it's upsides!
Now, as I revisit why I think God has wanted me to write about this particular command, I realize it's because I have a very personal story to share about a recent revelation about my spiritual growth and maturity and that not so fun word...obedience. I fought Him on writing about this because it means that I have to be really honest and vulnerable in order to help others see what it could mean for them to also be obedient to The Lord.
Matthew 7:13-14 says, "Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it."
This scripture is a bit daunting but it is absolutely my truth!
My marriage of 21 1/2 years has not always been one of sunshine and rose petals. NOT EVEN CLOSE! We met as teenagers, became the best of friends and subsequently got married in our early 20's. Seemed like a good idea at the time. We truly loved each other but we definitely had zero clue on what it took to sustain a loving marriage in the sense that God intended for us. We liked to have FUN! We both worked very hard but we definitely made up for it on the weekends by playing hard too. We did this for several years and then we added kids into the mix and continued to do the same thing (smart move, huh?). Growing up Catholic, both of us still believed in God, had faith and prayed when it deemed necessary in our minds, like when we couldn't pay a bill or when we were discussing divorce, but neither of us had a close and intimate relationship with Jesus. We went to church for baptisms, funerals and on the occasional Sunday if we got out of bed on time. We would even throw a couple of bucks in the offering basket as our "tithe". HA!
God was NOT our priority and we were NOT being obedient.
As we suffered through many hardships in our marriage, we somehow continued to maintain our best friendship and by the grace of God (I now realize that), we stayed together. In the midst of serious turmoil, a lot of counseling and serious divorce discussions, our youngest son Gage was born and 11 months later, Kevin was offered a job in Texas! Wow! This is it! A fresh start, a way to escape our demons and begin again, it seemed perfect! I now know that we were being obedient by taking this huge leap of faith in moving across the country where we didn't know a soul, but back then it was just our escape route to try and find "happiness"!
There are so many details and stories I could tell you in relation to our almost 12 years here in Texas, but I'll sum it up with this. We were broke and made the very intelligent decision to join a country club {insert sarcasm}. We made a ton of friends, friends that I treasure to this day, but we continued our days of work hard and play hard. We continued to disrespect each other in our marriage and we began several years of counseling. We spent money we didn't have and we valued material things, trips, places and events that should have never been considered. We were irresponsible in just about every sense of the word and things were not improving. We were taking that "broad road and wide gate" that is referenced in Matthew 7:13-14 and it was leading us to destruction. There were new names and new faces, but the problems did not change. In fact, they worsened at times. The biggest difference, though, was that we were in Texas! The Bible Belt! So, that meant that we visited many churches, there were so many to choose from, and we got involved and began a path of deeper faith mixed with hypocrisy. Not a great combination, yet a very popular one.
Eventually, Kevin and I hit rock bottom! We suffered for years financially, spiritually, maritally and even physically. We knew at that point, we would either implode or we could explode (in a good way)! We slowly but surely looked to Christ to save us from disaster. We found a church home that we could literally call HOME and we still do. We learned how to pray, how to rely on God and to have a relationship with Him. We learned that is all He has ever wanted from us.
We discovered that there were people around us that we could look to for guidance and hope instead of looking for the next best thing. We discovered that we truly loved each other and wanted to spend our lives together and we began to realize what being obedient to our Creator really meant. As I look back, I don't think we became obedient intentionally to earn His rewards or gifts, it just kind of began to happen as we changed our hearts, our minds and our spirits. We became intentional about every aspect of our lives. As he kept saying to us, "how many times do I have to tell you to _______", we began to listen and our lives began to change. We learned that obedience is not just about walking in the church doors weekly or doing our nightly devotional with the kids or volunteering when it was convenient for us. We learned that life was not about things we could buy or places we could travel to, but it is about being with our family and building a strong and healthy relationship with our children. This obedience has strengthened every relationship in our home in every way even in the midst of conflict and it did not happen overnight!
We learned that obedience to Him is an every day, every moment beautifully gratifying experience, but it takes work. It's the narrow road that is sometimes not so fun to take, but the rewards are endless.
Honestly, we have been truly blessed with Kevin's employment and me being able to stay home with the kids and as they get older I get to focus on my ministry. God has allowed Kevin to use his talents and gifts to succeed in business. It's quite ironic how we now have some sense of financial security after years of pretending that we already had it. We spent years trying to fix a marriage without putting God in the center of it and now, we can't survive another anniversary without Him!
The transformation, though, lies in living intentionally for our Father. Please do not mistake what I'm saying about what it means to be obedient. Obedience does NOT mean that one day you pray and the next day you wake up with everything you've dreamed of and prayed for! God does not work that way! If He did, I'm pretty sure everyone would hop on board. However, it does bring a sense of peace and a spirit that begins to live within you that helps you to cope with whatever adversity is thrown your way.
Even after a year of health issues, pain, suffering and the toll it took on us as a family, I am experiencing a peace that I cannot begin to describe but I now know that it is due to my obedience to Him. This peace that now lives in my soul allows me to live joyfully in all circumstances and have true faith in what His plans are for me. I do not worry anymore about pleasing others and trying to be the life of the party, I try so hard not to worry about the teenage issues that we face with our children, I try not to worry about what curve balls might be thrown our way, because I live my life for an audience of one and my faith tells me that He will provide, protect and Love me through whatever adversities I will face.
We still have our trials, we still have setbacks, we still falter and fail regularly and that is why I hunger for Him every day of my life. I am not healed, I am not fixed...I am obedient and when I sin or suffer, I have faith that my Savior will take my hand and bring me back to Him as he faithfully has for my entire life.
"I am the Holy One of Israel: I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is good for you and leads you along the paths you should follow. Oh, that you had listened to my commands! Then you would have had peace flowing like a gentle river and righteousness rolling over you like waves in the sea." Isaiah 48:17-18
Monday, March 30, 2015
My Lenten Truth ~ A Sacrifice or a Gift?
Lent (Latin: Quadragesima - English: Fortieth) is a solemn religious observance in the liturgical calendar of many Christian denominations that begins on Ash Wednesday and covers a period of approximately six weeks before Easter Sunday. The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer through prayer, penance, repentance of sins, almsgiving, atonement and self-denial.
Source: Wikipedia
So, here we are the week before Easter and I am sitting and reflecting on Lent and what it means to me and how this time has effected me over the past several weeks. I find a couple of things interesting in the definition above. One being that a lot of people believe that only Catholics observe the Lenten season, which is clearly not the case, as He sacrificed His life for ALL of us, and I also like the last sentence about what the "traditional purpose" of Lent is to a believer. SELF-DENIAL
I can honestly say that this Lent could possibly be the first one in my life that I actually felt a true transformation as a believer and as someone who desperately wants to know Christ more intimately.
Now, when I say transformation, that does not mean that all of the sudden I am "fixed" or that I don't struggle daily with being a better person and that I don't make mistakes on a regular basis. It's going to take a lot longer than 40 days to accomplish all that!
What I mean by being transformed during this Lenten season is because what I chose to deny myself of during this sacred time: FACEBOOK! I never thought I could do it, I dreaded it, I even thought about ways around it...but I did and it was well worth it!
It actually sounds pretty silly when you think about what Jesus sacrificed for me and all I sacrificed was a social media site of minute by minute postings from my 200+ closest "friends" telling me where they are, who they are with and what they are eating! (I joke only because I do it too)!
**Oh, and I have to throw in my little disclaimer since I had several people "call me out" and say that they saw that I was on FB during Lent. Jesus knows my truth, but for the record, I deleted the app from my phone and iPad (as a form of discipline), I did not post and did not look at other people's posts, pics, etc. The only thing I would do on FB during Lent was occasionally check my messenger, as that was a way a few people could contact me, manage an event that I'm hosting and to work on my ministry page.**
Giving up Facebook for Lent was a challenge presented to me by my husband because he would regularly see me scrolling through these posts and "liking" them or "sharing" them or talking about them or being confused by them or getting sensitive about them and on and on...and I think it was getting under his skin a bit. When we go on trips or even to a restaurant he thought I was more interested in posting where we were on FB instead of just enjoying the moment with him. Not a totally true assessment but a fair one at times.
In the past, I have tried to give up a food item or a drink or I would just implement reading a Lenten devotional at night with the family. Those things aren't wrong or bad to do, as any type of self-denial, prayer or act of atonement is a great way to prepare us for His death and resurrection. However, in my case, those things just didn't really prepare me or transform me in a way that made me truly feel a difference in my soul. Giving up a certain food made me hungry and it would remind me of why I was doing it, but ultimately it did not do what I believe Jesus wanted for me during this time of year.
"Turn to me now, while there is time. Give me your hearts. Come with fasting, weeping and mourning. Return to your God for he is merciful and compassionate." Joel 2:12-13
So, the million dollar question is "How did giving up Facebook bring me closer to Christ?" Lent is a time to turn away from our own needs and wants in order to see a world larger than ourselves. It is a time to sacrifice so that we can gain a new appreciation for our Savior. It turns out that the world larger than me is NOT the world of Facebook!
The result of me doing this is that I did not just give up FB, but what I did was replace my time spent on it with time spent with The Lord. I had so many mornings where the first thing I did was get on FB to see the latest updates on….well, really nothing very earth shattering! Imagine that! It was a time waster and a time sucker, but I continued to do it, day in and day out!
I definitely love seeing pictures of friends and funny quips or inspirational thoughts and I love sharing my pictures and posts, etc. but, thankfully, my time was spent elsewhere these past several weeks. I spent them with God. Not just time with Him, but more time with Him…QUALITY time with Him!
I am one of those people that when I say I'm praying for you or that I will pray for your ill family member, I really do it! But, I'll be honest, sometimes I had so many people on that list, I couldn't remember them all. During Lent, I made a point to spend my mornings writing down my prayers in a journal, rather than simply saying them. I have listed specific names and prayer requests, people that are on my mind, my heart and plenty of prayers for myself to be a better Christian woman and human being! Doing this seems so simple but it has brought me so much closer to God every day as I pray and just give thanks to Him in writing! It takes deep thought and concentration to do this and it makes me feel like I am writing a letter to a close friend that lives far away from me (before email)! The joy and peace that I feel every day reminds me of what Jesus sacrificed for me and it makes me realize that with Him in my heart, truly listening to me...fear and worry slowly fades away. He protects me and guides me and He listens to the words that I put down on that paper every day. He knows my heart like no one else and He cares what I am "posting" to Him far more than my "friends" on FB do! Who better to have in your corner than our Creator?! I never have to worry about hurting His feelings or being too negative or asking for too much, I just write it down and send it up to Him knowing that he will not only "like" it, but He will bestow His eternal grace upon me as a result! It is a comfort that I do not think I can describe fully in this post! However, I will challenge each of you to try it. Maybe you don't want to give up social media but I challenge you to start your day with a written prayer to God before you tap on that app!
Make it a family challenge to help kids start seeing the importance of His love versus the number of "likes" they are getting on Instagram or Re-tweets on Twitter. Someday, they will need to fall into the arms of their Father, perhaps they already desperately need that! Starting that relationship while they are young is a terrific way to build that trust with Him, especially when they are not getting that trust from their peers. I wish that I had this closeness with Him when I was younger, it would have come in handy when I was feeling insecure and struggling with my low self esteem! I am so incredibly blessed now to have Him as my unconditional lover and best friend! But, I had to do my part! He is always reaching out for us, it's up to us to take His hand and with that comes sacrifice!
This is not a social media rant at all! I will surely be back on Facebook in the coming week, but I will have gained a new perspective on it and I will continue to start my days writing to the one that gave me life on this earth and the one that promises me eternal life with Him!
There is no royal path to God, no high tech approach to the gospel values, no easy alternative to carry our own crosses the way Jesus carried His. It begins outside of ourselves and is fulfilled by the hard way of the cross. This Lent I tried to give something up that would really make me struggle but now, I feel as though I didn't really "give up" or sacrifice anything at all! Instead, I gained a more honest and intimate love for the one that gave it ALL up for me!
Happy Easter Friends!
"If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." Luke 9:23-24
Source: Wikipedia
So, here we are the week before Easter and I am sitting and reflecting on Lent and what it means to me and how this time has effected me over the past several weeks. I find a couple of things interesting in the definition above. One being that a lot of people believe that only Catholics observe the Lenten season, which is clearly not the case, as He sacrificed His life for ALL of us, and I also like the last sentence about what the "traditional purpose" of Lent is to a believer. SELF-DENIAL
I can honestly say that this Lent could possibly be the first one in my life that I actually felt a true transformation as a believer and as someone who desperately wants to know Christ more intimately.
Now, when I say transformation, that does not mean that all of the sudden I am "fixed" or that I don't struggle daily with being a better person and that I don't make mistakes on a regular basis. It's going to take a lot longer than 40 days to accomplish all that!
What I mean by being transformed during this Lenten season is because what I chose to deny myself of during this sacred time: FACEBOOK! I never thought I could do it, I dreaded it, I even thought about ways around it...but I did and it was well worth it!
It actually sounds pretty silly when you think about what Jesus sacrificed for me and all I sacrificed was a social media site of minute by minute postings from my 200+ closest "friends" telling me where they are, who they are with and what they are eating! (I joke only because I do it too)!
**Oh, and I have to throw in my little disclaimer since I had several people "call me out" and say that they saw that I was on FB during Lent. Jesus knows my truth, but for the record, I deleted the app from my phone and iPad (as a form of discipline), I did not post and did not look at other people's posts, pics, etc. The only thing I would do on FB during Lent was occasionally check my messenger, as that was a way a few people could contact me, manage an event that I'm hosting and to work on my ministry page.**
Giving up Facebook for Lent was a challenge presented to me by my husband because he would regularly see me scrolling through these posts and "liking" them or "sharing" them or talking about them or being confused by them or getting sensitive about them and on and on...and I think it was getting under his skin a bit. When we go on trips or even to a restaurant he thought I was more interested in posting where we were on FB instead of just enjoying the moment with him. Not a totally true assessment but a fair one at times.
In the past, I have tried to give up a food item or a drink or I would just implement reading a Lenten devotional at night with the family. Those things aren't wrong or bad to do, as any type of self-denial, prayer or act of atonement is a great way to prepare us for His death and resurrection. However, in my case, those things just didn't really prepare me or transform me in a way that made me truly feel a difference in my soul. Giving up a certain food made me hungry and it would remind me of why I was doing it, but ultimately it did not do what I believe Jesus wanted for me during this time of year.
"Turn to me now, while there is time. Give me your hearts. Come with fasting, weeping and mourning. Return to your God for he is merciful and compassionate." Joel 2:12-13
So, the million dollar question is "How did giving up Facebook bring me closer to Christ?" Lent is a time to turn away from our own needs and wants in order to see a world larger than ourselves. It is a time to sacrifice so that we can gain a new appreciation for our Savior. It turns out that the world larger than me is NOT the world of Facebook!
The result of me doing this is that I did not just give up FB, but what I did was replace my time spent on it with time spent with The Lord. I had so many mornings where the first thing I did was get on FB to see the latest updates on….well, really nothing very earth shattering! Imagine that! It was a time waster and a time sucker, but I continued to do it, day in and day out!
I definitely love seeing pictures of friends and funny quips or inspirational thoughts and I love sharing my pictures and posts, etc. but, thankfully, my time was spent elsewhere these past several weeks. I spent them with God. Not just time with Him, but more time with Him…QUALITY time with Him!
I am one of those people that when I say I'm praying for you or that I will pray for your ill family member, I really do it! But, I'll be honest, sometimes I had so many people on that list, I couldn't remember them all. During Lent, I made a point to spend my mornings writing down my prayers in a journal, rather than simply saying them. I have listed specific names and prayer requests, people that are on my mind, my heart and plenty of prayers for myself to be a better Christian woman and human being! Doing this seems so simple but it has brought me so much closer to God every day as I pray and just give thanks to Him in writing! It takes deep thought and concentration to do this and it makes me feel like I am writing a letter to a close friend that lives far away from me (before email)! The joy and peace that I feel every day reminds me of what Jesus sacrificed for me and it makes me realize that with Him in my heart, truly listening to me...fear and worry slowly fades away. He protects me and guides me and He listens to the words that I put down on that paper every day. He knows my heart like no one else and He cares what I am "posting" to Him far more than my "friends" on FB do! Who better to have in your corner than our Creator?! I never have to worry about hurting His feelings or being too negative or asking for too much, I just write it down and send it up to Him knowing that he will not only "like" it, but He will bestow His eternal grace upon me as a result! It is a comfort that I do not think I can describe fully in this post! However, I will challenge each of you to try it. Maybe you don't want to give up social media but I challenge you to start your day with a written prayer to God before you tap on that app!
Make it a family challenge to help kids start seeing the importance of His love versus the number of "likes" they are getting on Instagram or Re-tweets on Twitter. Someday, they will need to fall into the arms of their Father, perhaps they already desperately need that! Starting that relationship while they are young is a terrific way to build that trust with Him, especially when they are not getting that trust from their peers. I wish that I had this closeness with Him when I was younger, it would have come in handy when I was feeling insecure and struggling with my low self esteem! I am so incredibly blessed now to have Him as my unconditional lover and best friend! But, I had to do my part! He is always reaching out for us, it's up to us to take His hand and with that comes sacrifice!
This is not a social media rant at all! I will surely be back on Facebook in the coming week, but I will have gained a new perspective on it and I will continue to start my days writing to the one that gave me life on this earth and the one that promises me eternal life with Him!
There is no royal path to God, no high tech approach to the gospel values, no easy alternative to carry our own crosses the way Jesus carried His. It begins outside of ourselves and is fulfilled by the hard way of the cross. This Lent I tried to give something up that would really make me struggle but now, I feel as though I didn't really "give up" or sacrifice anything at all! Instead, I gained a more honest and intimate love for the one that gave it ALL up for me!
Happy Easter Friends!
"If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." Luke 9:23-24
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Time to be REAL!
Forgive me blog followers, it has been 5 months since my last Heartwork post. I last wrote a week or so after my girlfriend tragically passed away in April. Since that time, a lot has transpired in my spiritual life and I honestly wasn't sure what I would write about next or if I had it in me to write anymore at all. I used summer as an excuse to take a break. With the kids being home and travel, I figured that was a good enough reason to put writing on the shelf and just "live"! But as it turns out what I was really doing was believing some lies being told to me by you know who!
Well, one thing God always tends to do with me and probably you too, is, He whispers in my ear or I should say to my soul, about things He wants from me and I sometimes wait until He hits me over the head with a 2x4 until I take action. So, here I am, taking action!
I think the "2x4's" in this particular case were the death of Joan Rivers on Sept. 4th of this year and a very close friend calling on me in her time of need. First, I'll talk about the legendary, Joan Rivers.
This is a woman that made the world laugh with her sarcasm, her jokes about herself and even her un edited, "not so nice" one liners about other celebs! The thing about Joan was that she didn't care! She said whatever she felt about whatever she wanted to talk about and she did not care what anybody thought about it. She was authentic. Now, before you get ready to argue with me on that matter, let me cover two important points. 1. No, I don't think she was always very nice and I don't think it's o.k. to just say anything you want to say just to get a laugh or to fit in, that was HER thing, not mine. Although we do have a few similarities! 2. I know, I know, she's had more plastic surgery than the states of California and Texas combined, so you may wonder, how is that considered authentic, but I'll get to that in a minute.
What I've read about Joan Rivers lately is that she loved life and the people in her life. She laughed big and she loved big and the people who loved her back accepted her for exactly who she was and to me, that's authentic. Clearly, it took years of jokes, surgery and fame to overcome massive insecurities and pain and she definitely masked that pain with her talent, but at the time of her death, I believe she was in her prime, had faced her struggles and was the REAL person that she was supposed to be!
The second 2x4, which actually came 2 weeks prior to Ms. River's death, was when a very close friend of mine needed my guidance with a particular situation in her life. This friend knows me very well and she truly loves and accepts every side of me and I feel the same way about her. So, in true fashion, she txts me and says, "Having a bad day. I need a drink". I asked her if there was anything I could do and she asked me to pray. So I did and I told her do the same thing. Later, I checked in on her and she still wasn't doing so great, so she asked me to have a drink with her. Now, this was the 2nd day of school and probably the last thing I needed to do was leave my kiddos to have a drink with a friend. However, I knew she really needed me and I could use a drink myself! We talked, we laughed and I gave her my thoughts on what she should do in her situation. Long story short, I followed up with her a couple of days later and she thanked me. She said things were so much better and that perhaps I was "on to something with this God stuff". I didn't say I told you so, but I thought it! The reason this was a hit over the head for me is because this is a friend who knows I'm me and I'll give it to her straight but with a taste of faith and experience. I can laugh with her, have a drink with her, I can pray for her and I can tell her what she needed to hear, not what she wanted to hear and she thanked me for it!
This was a wake up call that God wanted me to write again!
Since my daughter Frankie was a little girl, I would say "be true to yourself" every day before she walked out the door. I still say that to my 3 kids. Be true to yourself. I also say it to myself every day. So, I guess what I've been asking myself over these past several months is, "what is my truth"? Will the real Jen Morgan please stand up? And, do I really want her to? Flaws and all?
Here's the thing. We all have a true personality, the one God crafted when we were in our mother's womb. However, because of sin, people in our lives, family dynamics, joys, tragedies and all of the different happenings we've experienced, that personality that He intended for us gets a little skewed. We maybe even start listening to Satan's version of what our real personality is and we fall into that. Conceited? Afraid? Shy? Bitter? Stand offish? Fake? Fake Happy? The list goes on and on.
I sometimes let Satan get a hold of me a little bit and tell me that I can't write a "Christian" blog to women. "You're a fake Jen. You're a hypocrite. You're not a real Christian woman, friend, wife, or mother. Give up this little dream of yours and come follow me. Who are YOU to lead other women to their purpose through pain?" WOW and I listened for a while and I probably will again, but I'm working on that, so please bare with me. He's a sneaky little guy for sure!
God definitely won the war with the evil one the day my friend reached out to me.
I have determined over the past several weeks that I just want to be REAL and I want the people in my life to be REAL too! Real in this case is not just a word, this REAL is:
Ready
Embrace
Accept
Life/Love
I want to admit to myself that I'm far from perfect. I have testified to that on many occasions in this blog and in my day to day life. I am not a pillar of strength and I'm certainly not always the ideal role model for other women looking for who they are in Christ. Y'all know I drink, I cuss, I gossip from time to time, I'm a flirt (my hubby knows this), I'm opinionated, I can be tempted to sin, I DO sin, I can even be a bit moody (who? me?) and the list goes on. What I can tell you is that this is me and I'm trying to be better in the areas that I need to be better but because of the way my life has been woven and because of some of my choices in this life, this is who I am. So, I am Ready to accept that and be accepted in that. I have friends that know this about me and 100% completely accept it. I have others that have chosen to walk away and that is O.K., I totally get it, I'd walk away from me too sometimes! There was a time when I wanted everyone to like me and if you didn't like me, well then I wanted to know why and I was bound and determined to change your mind. I would even fake who I was to conform to what they wanted me to be. Ugh…I'm so glad I don't do that anymore! It's so exhausting.
Embracing it is the next step. I am learning to embrace my truth. I am learning to really love this person, Jen Morgan, and embrace her flaws and imperfections and still love her wit, her sarcasm and her moody side. I'm embracing her when maybe nobody else really wants to. I'm OK with that too!
This all clearly leads to the next two letters in my acronym. Accepting my truth and Living my life as authentically as I possibly can. At the same time, I am Loving myself and the people around me, the people that choose to be around me…the REAL me. I cannot do all of this without the true Love of Christ and His acceptance of me regardless of who I am on any given day. I lift this up to Him every morning.
Lastly, I want to talk about who I am Ready to Embrace and Accept in my Life (REAL)! I recently asked a question 20 random girlfriends on my Facebook page. What is the most important quality that you look for in a true friend and do you possess this same quality?
Needless to say I got several different answers but a few consistent ones were about being non judgmental and real. Also, being loyal and honest. Ladies, these are things that come with our authentic self. A true friend knows you for who you are and can come to you any day, any time with anything and you will be there for them. You will also say what you NEED to say to them, not necessarily want they WANT to hear. That's truth, that's authentic and that's REAL! Remember, also, that I'm not referring to your fun friends! We all have these and need these people in our lives. They may not be our "go to" for the big stuff, but they bring joy and energy to us and that's a gift in itself. Who knows what you may be able to bring to them someday?
Now, back to Joan Rivers and her plastic surgery. I, for one, thinks that she looked great! A lot of us wear make up, spray tan, work out, get botox (and more), spend a little more on fashion, etc.! Or perhaps, we choose not to pile on the make up, have a more plain sense of fashion, don't care for the "bling and heel look"! That's what makes us individuals! It's beauty in however we choose to "wear" it!
Isn't it about what's on the inside that really matters anyway? We know some of it comes with insecurity, jealousy or keeping up with the women around us and that's unfortunate if and only IF it consumes us, but come on, even some of the most famous MALE pastors put on a little make up and get highlights and botox! You know it's true!
So, the next time you feel alone or unsure about your truth, focus on who you want to be surrounded by every day and start with your creator and your REAL self! The peace that will embody you upon this realization will most definitely fill you up and pour out on to others!
Matthew 6:1 (The Message) "Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding."
Start today, pray, look up and get REAL!
Well, one thing God always tends to do with me and probably you too, is, He whispers in my ear or I should say to my soul, about things He wants from me and I sometimes wait until He hits me over the head with a 2x4 until I take action. So, here I am, taking action!
I think the "2x4's" in this particular case were the death of Joan Rivers on Sept. 4th of this year and a very close friend calling on me in her time of need. First, I'll talk about the legendary, Joan Rivers.
This is a woman that made the world laugh with her sarcasm, her jokes about herself and even her un edited, "not so nice" one liners about other celebs! The thing about Joan was that she didn't care! She said whatever she felt about whatever she wanted to talk about and she did not care what anybody thought about it. She was authentic. Now, before you get ready to argue with me on that matter, let me cover two important points. 1. No, I don't think she was always very nice and I don't think it's o.k. to just say anything you want to say just to get a laugh or to fit in, that was HER thing, not mine. Although we do have a few similarities! 2. I know, I know, she's had more plastic surgery than the states of California and Texas combined, so you may wonder, how is that considered authentic, but I'll get to that in a minute.
What I've read about Joan Rivers lately is that she loved life and the people in her life. She laughed big and she loved big and the people who loved her back accepted her for exactly who she was and to me, that's authentic. Clearly, it took years of jokes, surgery and fame to overcome massive insecurities and pain and she definitely masked that pain with her talent, but at the time of her death, I believe she was in her prime, had faced her struggles and was the REAL person that she was supposed to be!
The second 2x4, which actually came 2 weeks prior to Ms. River's death, was when a very close friend of mine needed my guidance with a particular situation in her life. This friend knows me very well and she truly loves and accepts every side of me and I feel the same way about her. So, in true fashion, she txts me and says, "Having a bad day. I need a drink". I asked her if there was anything I could do and she asked me to pray. So I did and I told her do the same thing. Later, I checked in on her and she still wasn't doing so great, so she asked me to have a drink with her. Now, this was the 2nd day of school and probably the last thing I needed to do was leave my kiddos to have a drink with a friend. However, I knew she really needed me and I could use a drink myself! We talked, we laughed and I gave her my thoughts on what she should do in her situation. Long story short, I followed up with her a couple of days later and she thanked me. She said things were so much better and that perhaps I was "on to something with this God stuff". I didn't say I told you so, but I thought it! The reason this was a hit over the head for me is because this is a friend who knows I'm me and I'll give it to her straight but with a taste of faith and experience. I can laugh with her, have a drink with her, I can pray for her and I can tell her what she needed to hear, not what she wanted to hear and she thanked me for it!
This was a wake up call that God wanted me to write again!
Since my daughter Frankie was a little girl, I would say "be true to yourself" every day before she walked out the door. I still say that to my 3 kids. Be true to yourself. I also say it to myself every day. So, I guess what I've been asking myself over these past several months is, "what is my truth"? Will the real Jen Morgan please stand up? And, do I really want her to? Flaws and all?
Here's the thing. We all have a true personality, the one God crafted when we were in our mother's womb. However, because of sin, people in our lives, family dynamics, joys, tragedies and all of the different happenings we've experienced, that personality that He intended for us gets a little skewed. We maybe even start listening to Satan's version of what our real personality is and we fall into that. Conceited? Afraid? Shy? Bitter? Stand offish? Fake? Fake Happy? The list goes on and on.
I sometimes let Satan get a hold of me a little bit and tell me that I can't write a "Christian" blog to women. "You're a fake Jen. You're a hypocrite. You're not a real Christian woman, friend, wife, or mother. Give up this little dream of yours and come follow me. Who are YOU to lead other women to their purpose through pain?" WOW and I listened for a while and I probably will again, but I'm working on that, so please bare with me. He's a sneaky little guy for sure!
God definitely won the war with the evil one the day my friend reached out to me.
I have determined over the past several weeks that I just want to be REAL and I want the people in my life to be REAL too! Real in this case is not just a word, this REAL is:
Ready
Embrace
Accept
Life/Love
I want to admit to myself that I'm far from perfect. I have testified to that on many occasions in this blog and in my day to day life. I am not a pillar of strength and I'm certainly not always the ideal role model for other women looking for who they are in Christ. Y'all know I drink, I cuss, I gossip from time to time, I'm a flirt (my hubby knows this), I'm opinionated, I can be tempted to sin, I DO sin, I can even be a bit moody (who? me?) and the list goes on. What I can tell you is that this is me and I'm trying to be better in the areas that I need to be better but because of the way my life has been woven and because of some of my choices in this life, this is who I am. So, I am Ready to accept that and be accepted in that. I have friends that know this about me and 100% completely accept it. I have others that have chosen to walk away and that is O.K., I totally get it, I'd walk away from me too sometimes! There was a time when I wanted everyone to like me and if you didn't like me, well then I wanted to know why and I was bound and determined to change your mind. I would even fake who I was to conform to what they wanted me to be. Ugh…I'm so glad I don't do that anymore! It's so exhausting.
Embracing it is the next step. I am learning to embrace my truth. I am learning to really love this person, Jen Morgan, and embrace her flaws and imperfections and still love her wit, her sarcasm and her moody side. I'm embracing her when maybe nobody else really wants to. I'm OK with that too!
This all clearly leads to the next two letters in my acronym. Accepting my truth and Living my life as authentically as I possibly can. At the same time, I am Loving myself and the people around me, the people that choose to be around me…the REAL me. I cannot do all of this without the true Love of Christ and His acceptance of me regardless of who I am on any given day. I lift this up to Him every morning.
Lastly, I want to talk about who I am Ready to Embrace and Accept in my Life (REAL)! I recently asked a question 20 random girlfriends on my Facebook page. What is the most important quality that you look for in a true friend and do you possess this same quality?
Needless to say I got several different answers but a few consistent ones were about being non judgmental and real. Also, being loyal and honest. Ladies, these are things that come with our authentic self. A true friend knows you for who you are and can come to you any day, any time with anything and you will be there for them. You will also say what you NEED to say to them, not necessarily want they WANT to hear. That's truth, that's authentic and that's REAL! Remember, also, that I'm not referring to your fun friends! We all have these and need these people in our lives. They may not be our "go to" for the big stuff, but they bring joy and energy to us and that's a gift in itself. Who knows what you may be able to bring to them someday?
Now, back to Joan Rivers and her plastic surgery. I, for one, thinks that she looked great! A lot of us wear make up, spray tan, work out, get botox (and more), spend a little more on fashion, etc.! Or perhaps, we choose not to pile on the make up, have a more plain sense of fashion, don't care for the "bling and heel look"! That's what makes us individuals! It's beauty in however we choose to "wear" it!
Isn't it about what's on the inside that really matters anyway? We know some of it comes with insecurity, jealousy or keeping up with the women around us and that's unfortunate if and only IF it consumes us, but come on, even some of the most famous MALE pastors put on a little make up and get highlights and botox! You know it's true!
So, the next time you feel alone or unsure about your truth, focus on who you want to be surrounded by every day and start with your creator and your REAL self! The peace that will embody you upon this realization will most definitely fill you up and pour out on to others!
Matthew 6:1 (The Message) "Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding."
Start today, pray, look up and get REAL!
Friday, April 25, 2014
Better Today!
My friend died last week. Was she my best friend? No. Was she someone I saw once a month or talked to once a week? No. Did I know the ins and outs of her life? No.
The fact is...My friend died last week.
I spoke at the service celebrating her life, again not because I knew her the best or was closest to her, but because I could do it without completely breaking down and in knowing her for almost 10 years, I could give a pretty accurate look at the beautiful person that God created in her. It was a blessing and a privilege to speak about her on that day!
Thinking about it today makes me wonder who considers me a friend and what would they say about me at my funeral. I am 43 years old and I have run across a lot of people over all of those years. I still stay in touch with people from when I was a kid (thanks to social media) and I have met new people in the past week. What would all of these people say about me at my funeral?
The thought scares me a little bit but it makes me take a deeper look into the person that I want to be.
I know that when someone dies most people show respect and share all of the great, funny and inspiring stories about the deceased, right? We talk about how giving they were, how funny or sweet they were, how much they loved their family and everyone they met just adored them, right?
But, let's just say there are some skeletons, mistakes, character flaws or "black marks" in that persons life…those are probably going to come to the surface at some point too, right? Perhaps behind closed doors or on back patios, but none the less...
My point? I woke up today saying that I want to be remembered differently starting TODAY! I want to be better! I want to be a better mother, a better wife, a better sister, aunt, cousin, neighbor, friend and daughter of the Lord…TODAY!
I am striving for better. Not perfect and not better than you or the girl next door, but better than me yesterday! If I wake up everyday with that mind set and that goal, then I'm guaranteed victory, correct?
I have made so many mistakes along the way. I have so many regrets and things that I wish that I could do over or take back. I have hurt people that I deeply love and care about with my harsh words or selfish actions. I have pushed people away and even with 1,000 "I'm sorry's" I haven't gotten some of those people back. I have messed up more times than I could ever count or even remember. I'm so thankful that God truly forgives and truly forgets all of those things, good thing that audience of ONE embraces me with His grace!
However, humans don't make it so easy and when we screw up or hurt someone or are just plain cranky and take it out on the wrong person, that may be how that person remembers us on our final day! UGH!! I do not want that. "the last time I saw Jen Morgan she was rushing through the aisle at Walgreens, barely smiled at me and acted as if she didn't even know me"….I do not want that! I know we all have bad days, but come on! I realize that we are not going to be friends with every single person and that all relationships vary on so many levels, but as I tell my kids, you don't have to be friends with everyone, but be friendly to everyone! What kind of example am I in that statement?
I think to be better every day, I am going to act as if it's the last time people are seeing me or talking to me. Yes, I know that all of my close friends that are reading this are going to hold me to a higher standard and call me out on this day in and day out! Good…bring it on! Challenge me to be better! I'm ready for it!
I claim Jesus as my Savior and the Holy Spirit as my guide, then I must try to live it daily. When I fail and I fall down, I will be better tomorrow! If I don't get tomorrow then the people around me will know that I died trying! That's how I want to be remembered and thought of!
My friend died last week. She didn't know it was her final day, but I'm pretty sure that the last words she spoke were probably loving, sweet and kind…that's just who she was and what a great way to be remembered!
I want that and I want to be better TODAY! So here goes…
Want to join me?
Philippians 4:4-5 "Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again - rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do."
The fact is...My friend died last week.
I spoke at the service celebrating her life, again not because I knew her the best or was closest to her, but because I could do it without completely breaking down and in knowing her for almost 10 years, I could give a pretty accurate look at the beautiful person that God created in her. It was a blessing and a privilege to speak about her on that day!
Thinking about it today makes me wonder who considers me a friend and what would they say about me at my funeral. I am 43 years old and I have run across a lot of people over all of those years. I still stay in touch with people from when I was a kid (thanks to social media) and I have met new people in the past week. What would all of these people say about me at my funeral?
The thought scares me a little bit but it makes me take a deeper look into the person that I want to be.
I know that when someone dies most people show respect and share all of the great, funny and inspiring stories about the deceased, right? We talk about how giving they were, how funny or sweet they were, how much they loved their family and everyone they met just adored them, right?
But, let's just say there are some skeletons, mistakes, character flaws or "black marks" in that persons life…those are probably going to come to the surface at some point too, right? Perhaps behind closed doors or on back patios, but none the less...
My point? I woke up today saying that I want to be remembered differently starting TODAY! I want to be better! I want to be a better mother, a better wife, a better sister, aunt, cousin, neighbor, friend and daughter of the Lord…TODAY!
I am striving for better. Not perfect and not better than you or the girl next door, but better than me yesterday! If I wake up everyday with that mind set and that goal, then I'm guaranteed victory, correct?
I have made so many mistakes along the way. I have so many regrets and things that I wish that I could do over or take back. I have hurt people that I deeply love and care about with my harsh words or selfish actions. I have pushed people away and even with 1,000 "I'm sorry's" I haven't gotten some of those people back. I have messed up more times than I could ever count or even remember. I'm so thankful that God truly forgives and truly forgets all of those things, good thing that audience of ONE embraces me with His grace!
However, humans don't make it so easy and when we screw up or hurt someone or are just plain cranky and take it out on the wrong person, that may be how that person remembers us on our final day! UGH!! I do not want that. "the last time I saw Jen Morgan she was rushing through the aisle at Walgreens, barely smiled at me and acted as if she didn't even know me"….I do not want that! I know we all have bad days, but come on! I realize that we are not going to be friends with every single person and that all relationships vary on so many levels, but as I tell my kids, you don't have to be friends with everyone, but be friendly to everyone! What kind of example am I in that statement?
I think to be better every day, I am going to act as if it's the last time people are seeing me or talking to me. Yes, I know that all of my close friends that are reading this are going to hold me to a higher standard and call me out on this day in and day out! Good…bring it on! Challenge me to be better! I'm ready for it!
I claim Jesus as my Savior and the Holy Spirit as my guide, then I must try to live it daily. When I fail and I fall down, I will be better tomorrow! If I don't get tomorrow then the people around me will know that I died trying! That's how I want to be remembered and thought of!
My friend died last week. She didn't know it was her final day, but I'm pretty sure that the last words she spoke were probably loving, sweet and kind…that's just who she was and what a great way to be remembered!
I want that and I want to be better TODAY! So here goes…
Want to join me?
Philippians 4:4-5 "Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again - rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do."
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Beautiful in HIM!
I'm so pale, I have got to lose 10 pounds before summer, I'm having a bad hair day, I don't have anything to wear, I look old…the list goes on and on. Does this sound familiar? Over analyzing myself and finding personal flaws is something I do on a fairly regular basis, but not nearly as much as I did in the past.
Actually, what I used to do was get so caught up in how I looked on the outside, that I completely forgot to examine the person I was becoming on the inside. Honestly, there was a time that I stopped criticizing myself and went the other way. I was in complete adoration of myself and the way I looked. I became extremely caught up in having the perfect tanned, skinny, body and spending loads of money on clothes that I clearly could not afford just so I could keep playing the starring role in a big production called "ME"! Everyone look at ME! Like ME, be jealous of ME! ME ME ME! Ugh…it's so sad to reflect on that person! The old ME!
This thing that was ME…It's called vanity and it is a very dangerous place to be! Looking "fabulous" doesn't necessarily seem to be evil or a danger to us or to others, but that mentality makes it a perfect playground for the devil! Actually vanity is the ideal "outfit" that we begin to wear when we become so obsessed with our outer beauty and start to neglect what's happening on the inside. It's like a very creative Halloween costume. Vanity will tend to fool the people around us because they also begin to get caught up in our clothes, hair, skin, weight that they don't even care who we are on the inside. We look great, they look great and it's fun and contagious!
Now, I will make one thing crystal clear with you upfront...I like fashion, I like pretty clothes and shoes, jewelry and fun hair styles. I'm a bit of a girly girl, what can I say? I take pride in how I look (usually) when I walk out the door and most days I don't leave the house without at least a little bit of makeup to cover the acne or freckles! But, that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the fine line between being proud of how you look and making it so consuming that it's encompassing who you ARE as an individual. Forgetting about the beautiful God given traits of your personality that you were blessed with at birth and that have made you the woman He wants you to be!
Who I WAS when I thought I was this amazing woman floating through my life, was a big, hot, tan, well dressed mess! I made my friends laugh, I was sarcastic and fun. I was the "life of the party" at times and I was loving every minute of it. I was completely caught up in it. I was using all of the these actions and props to cover up the emptiness in my soul. I was seeking attention for all of the wrong reasons and it began to destroy my life. I now know that low self esteem from my younger years played a big role in my need for attention and my need for always looking a certain way, but whatever the reason is for starting, it spiraled quickly and vanity became more of a God to me than God himself!
The really scary part is how quickly and quietly it can consume us. We are "good, nice, Christian people" so that's all that matters, right? We're not hurting anyone, are we? You may not have these same personality traits as I have, but fill in the blanks with your own and you'll understand what I'm getting at.
Now…ask yourself this, day in and day out, how many times do you look in the mirror? How often are you thinking about what to wear or what not to eat because of weight gain? How much money is being spent on healthcare products, makeup, creams, lotions, botox, etc.? I'll answer those for you…ALOT! We think about all of that ALOT! And the reason it doesn't look dangerous is because people like looking at "pretty". Our friends, our husbands, boyfriends, strangers, we all like looking at "pretty"! That is why I believe vanity can be a very quiet but dangerous sin and if we don't keep it in check, it can and will consume you too! We lose sight of what kind of beauty should be at the center of our lives and we lose sight on how to share that with others. We can talk about plastic surgery, fashion and working out all day long, but our faith and our true beauty in Christ become taboo topics. Therein lies the danger of vanity! And you don't think our daughters will follow these footsteps? Think again!
1 Peter 3:3-4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
Over the past couple of years, my spiritual life began to take a turn and I started to hear God tell me I was beautiful and I even started to believe Him. I would hear Him whisper things to me about my giving, generous and thoughtful traits. He reassures me about the fact that I truly care about my friends and want to help them and be there for them when they need me. I began to believe God when He told me that if I shared some of my stories with other women, that they might listen and hear Him too and start to see their true beauty regardless of a painful past! Each day, I hear Him tell me new things about myself and how I've improved and how I continue to grow and change in HIM with every prayer and every genuine action of support or love to others. He's allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me daily and as I allow it too, I realize that's what makes me a gorgeous daughter of The Lord. I never realized that before.
By starting my mornings in prayer and by asking for His guidance in all circumstances, He is opening my eyes to the real "pretty" in me even when I make huge mistakes! He shows me His grace and love when I'm wearing clothes that don't fit quite right or when my hair looks messy and when the scale is not smiling back at me! He loves me no matter what, all the time! Knowing that I will continue to fall and make those mistakes every day, regardless of how I look doing it, is o.k. with Him and it's o.k. with me, now, too.
We are His daughters and we are sisters in Christ, let's embrace that and recognize the stunning women we are on the inside. Compliment a woman's laugh or her kind, gentle voice and her tenderness before you talk about her fantastic new hair color. Encourage her to continue being a great listener, an amazing cook and a great mom. Tell her that you admire her work ethic, her strength and her love of the Lord before you compliment her shoes!
I am seeing that the parts of my personality that make me who I am have not changed really either, but now I just see that they are not being used to mask pain any longer. God created me with a sense of humor and a witty, sarcastic side (that I sometimes need to apologize for), a fun loving, outgoing person who happens to like to look fashionable and put together most of the time. You see, the fashion, the outer beauty, even getting the laughs, are no longer my crutch because I've realized that none of this is about ME! It's about who HE is in me and that is 100% pure beauty that will last through the ages!
Actually, what I used to do was get so caught up in how I looked on the outside, that I completely forgot to examine the person I was becoming on the inside. Honestly, there was a time that I stopped criticizing myself and went the other way. I was in complete adoration of myself and the way I looked. I became extremely caught up in having the perfect tanned, skinny, body and spending loads of money on clothes that I clearly could not afford just so I could keep playing the starring role in a big production called "ME"! Everyone look at ME! Like ME, be jealous of ME! ME ME ME! Ugh…it's so sad to reflect on that person! The old ME!
This thing that was ME…It's called vanity and it is a very dangerous place to be! Looking "fabulous" doesn't necessarily seem to be evil or a danger to us or to others, but that mentality makes it a perfect playground for the devil! Actually vanity is the ideal "outfit" that we begin to wear when we become so obsessed with our outer beauty and start to neglect what's happening on the inside. It's like a very creative Halloween costume. Vanity will tend to fool the people around us because they also begin to get caught up in our clothes, hair, skin, weight that they don't even care who we are on the inside. We look great, they look great and it's fun and contagious!
Now, I will make one thing crystal clear with you upfront...I like fashion, I like pretty clothes and shoes, jewelry and fun hair styles. I'm a bit of a girly girl, what can I say? I take pride in how I look (usually) when I walk out the door and most days I don't leave the house without at least a little bit of makeup to cover the acne or freckles! But, that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the fine line between being proud of how you look and making it so consuming that it's encompassing who you ARE as an individual. Forgetting about the beautiful God given traits of your personality that you were blessed with at birth and that have made you the woman He wants you to be!
Who I WAS when I thought I was this amazing woman floating through my life, was a big, hot, tan, well dressed mess! I made my friends laugh, I was sarcastic and fun. I was the "life of the party" at times and I was loving every minute of it. I was completely caught up in it. I was using all of the these actions and props to cover up the emptiness in my soul. I was seeking attention for all of the wrong reasons and it began to destroy my life. I now know that low self esteem from my younger years played a big role in my need for attention and my need for always looking a certain way, but whatever the reason is for starting, it spiraled quickly and vanity became more of a God to me than God himself!
The really scary part is how quickly and quietly it can consume us. We are "good, nice, Christian people" so that's all that matters, right? We're not hurting anyone, are we? You may not have these same personality traits as I have, but fill in the blanks with your own and you'll understand what I'm getting at.
Now…ask yourself this, day in and day out, how many times do you look in the mirror? How often are you thinking about what to wear or what not to eat because of weight gain? How much money is being spent on healthcare products, makeup, creams, lotions, botox, etc.? I'll answer those for you…ALOT! We think about all of that ALOT! And the reason it doesn't look dangerous is because people like looking at "pretty". Our friends, our husbands, boyfriends, strangers, we all like looking at "pretty"! That is why I believe vanity can be a very quiet but dangerous sin and if we don't keep it in check, it can and will consume you too! We lose sight of what kind of beauty should be at the center of our lives and we lose sight on how to share that with others. We can talk about plastic surgery, fashion and working out all day long, but our faith and our true beauty in Christ become taboo topics. Therein lies the danger of vanity! And you don't think our daughters will follow these footsteps? Think again!
1 Peter 3:3-4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
Over the past couple of years, my spiritual life began to take a turn and I started to hear God tell me I was beautiful and I even started to believe Him. I would hear Him whisper things to me about my giving, generous and thoughtful traits. He reassures me about the fact that I truly care about my friends and want to help them and be there for them when they need me. I began to believe God when He told me that if I shared some of my stories with other women, that they might listen and hear Him too and start to see their true beauty regardless of a painful past! Each day, I hear Him tell me new things about myself and how I've improved and how I continue to grow and change in HIM with every prayer and every genuine action of support or love to others. He's allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me daily and as I allow it too, I realize that's what makes me a gorgeous daughter of The Lord. I never realized that before.
By starting my mornings in prayer and by asking for His guidance in all circumstances, He is opening my eyes to the real "pretty" in me even when I make huge mistakes! He shows me His grace and love when I'm wearing clothes that don't fit quite right or when my hair looks messy and when the scale is not smiling back at me! He loves me no matter what, all the time! Knowing that I will continue to fall and make those mistakes every day, regardless of how I look doing it, is o.k. with Him and it's o.k. with me, now, too.
We are His daughters and we are sisters in Christ, let's embrace that and recognize the stunning women we are on the inside. Compliment a woman's laugh or her kind, gentle voice and her tenderness before you talk about her fantastic new hair color. Encourage her to continue being a great listener, an amazing cook and a great mom. Tell her that you admire her work ethic, her strength and her love of the Lord before you compliment her shoes!
I am seeing that the parts of my personality that make me who I am have not changed really either, but now I just see that they are not being used to mask pain any longer. God created me with a sense of humor and a witty, sarcastic side (that I sometimes need to apologize for), a fun loving, outgoing person who happens to like to look fashionable and put together most of the time. You see, the fashion, the outer beauty, even getting the laughs, are no longer my crutch because I've realized that none of this is about ME! It's about who HE is in me and that is 100% pure beauty that will last through the ages!
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Life's A Dance
While I was taking my walk today, my Pandora kept me guessing with everything from Michael Jackson to Pink to Christian Rap and then a country song, that I had never heard before came on and it just blew me away! "Life's a Dance" by John Michael Montgomery was the title and in the song he says that life is a dance and sometimes we lead and sometimes we follow. The rest of the lyrics are really great, you should check it out, but I really couldn't help but stay focused on that one line.
Recently, my life has been somewhat of a roller coaster, a dance, if you will. Not necessarily because of any specific major events, good or bad, but really because of my inner voice and where it's taking me.
I wrapped up the first session with my women's ministry last week and now I feel a void of some kind in the pit of my stomach as though I didn't really finish what I started. I am pretty convinced that this group of women is not finished growing and God is definitely nudging me and telling me that He's not through with us yet either. So, I sit and pray and wonder what I'm supposed to do with that information. I'm waiting for answers…I'm waiting to follow after I have already started to lead. It leaves me in a state of confusion and doubt and honestly, it really frightens me. I think, "what did I get myself in to here?" Sometimes I even follow my thoughts to the point of giving up on the ministry all together. I visualize myself just washing my hands of it and saying my work here is done and God can work with these ladies and watch the magic unfold. This leads me to this song…Life is a dance and sometimes we lead and sometimes we follow. I believe I may need to pay very close attention to what that means for me in my women's ministry and in all other areas of my life. My marriage, my children, my friendships all need a little bit of both but I am realizing that I do not get to choose which one I will do and when. Am I supposed to lead or follow?
When I begin to doubt myself and try to take over what I think is the right way to go, I am choosing to lead myself down whichever path I think is best for ME. I am not following the Lord and what He is calling me to do. He is the lead in this dance of my life and sometimes I find myself battling Him for that role.
I feel the same with other occurrences in my life as well. The trust and confidence that I sometimes lack with my husband because of his travel, leads me to insecurity and uncertainty. The fear that I have for my kids, social media, the opposite sex and the decisions they are making, ties me in knots at times. Wanting to please my friends and family members and convince them to love every part of me and believe in me even though sometimes they challenge me and question my intentions. This leaves me feeling lonely and sad.
Situations happen every day, all around me and I try to take control of these issues, even if they're not necessarily mine to control. I want to "fix" the problem, make it better and make sure that my conscience is clean and I can walk away from every scenario smelling like a rose and like what I did was best for everyone involved. I am trying to lead everyone around me to peace and sometimes I follow all of these happenings straight into more turmoil. I guess what I'm saying is that I try to take control and make peace for others (like I have all the answers…HA!) and in every situation, I sometimes cause more confusion or I get so caught up in it in my own mind that it begins to monopolize my entire thought process. The drama, in these cases, is the leader and I am the follower. As I dig a little deeper, I now know that this is the evil one trying to control my mind.
I sometimes let this take over so much that it's all I can think about and I get consumed by what I should have done or what I should have said to someone. How could I have led the conversation or situation to the outcome that I wanted it for it? I sometimes take my good intentions and try to tell others what they should say or not say to another person so that a problem can be resolved and when they don't say or do it the way I suggest, I react as if they have betrayed me and I get irritated. It starts to push people away from me and backfires.
It leads me away from peace in my life and takes me to an unhappy place that makes me question everything that I'm trying to do.
Proverbs 19:3 "The foolishness of man ruins his own way, And his heart rages against the Lord."
It's funny…usually when I blog, I try to use my life experiences to help others get through something going on in their life. I want others to see how my stories might relate to them and I try to give positive tools to help others gain peace in their circumstances. But today is more like a confessional and a breakthrough for me. Literally, as I type each sentence I am learning something new about myself and it is extremely cathartic to be so raw about my shortcomings in this area.
I am realizing that the more that I dance through this amazing, event filled life, I need to follow God every step of the way. I need to stop blocking him out of my mind when He tells me to keep going on with the ministry and accept the changes He has in store for it or when he tells me not to try to control the outcome of an argument between two friends, or when he tells me to let my kids fall down and He will be the one to help them get back up. And I need to LEAD when He tells me to lead, not when I want to. He wants me to lead others to Him by example and sharing His word, not by controlling the outcome of every event.
I think a lot of us do this and we get addicted to the worry, the anxiety and the fear of what might happen if we just follow Him instead of trying to lead every issue down the exact path that we want it to go on. We don't want to let go of this addiction of control because we are so afraid that if we just release it and follow Him then we may not like what we're going to get or even what someone else is going to get.
I want to learn to let go and let God take the lead in my life's dance and I pray that I can begin to truly follow Him without stumbling and stepping on too many toes.
I started this blog yesterday and I am re-visiting it today after so much more contemplation and prayer. Throughout my day and night yesterday, I consciously took every situation that I wanted to take the lead on and I released it. I looked up to the sky and just heard the Lord saying, "Jen, can I have this dance? I'll lead and you follow." It was the most peaceful feeling in the world and I'm so glad I allowed Him to graciously step in!
Recently, my life has been somewhat of a roller coaster, a dance, if you will. Not necessarily because of any specific major events, good or bad, but really because of my inner voice and where it's taking me.
I wrapped up the first session with my women's ministry last week and now I feel a void of some kind in the pit of my stomach as though I didn't really finish what I started. I am pretty convinced that this group of women is not finished growing and God is definitely nudging me and telling me that He's not through with us yet either. So, I sit and pray and wonder what I'm supposed to do with that information. I'm waiting for answers…I'm waiting to follow after I have already started to lead. It leaves me in a state of confusion and doubt and honestly, it really frightens me. I think, "what did I get myself in to here?" Sometimes I even follow my thoughts to the point of giving up on the ministry all together. I visualize myself just washing my hands of it and saying my work here is done and God can work with these ladies and watch the magic unfold. This leads me to this song…Life is a dance and sometimes we lead and sometimes we follow. I believe I may need to pay very close attention to what that means for me in my women's ministry and in all other areas of my life. My marriage, my children, my friendships all need a little bit of both but I am realizing that I do not get to choose which one I will do and when. Am I supposed to lead or follow?
When I begin to doubt myself and try to take over what I think is the right way to go, I am choosing to lead myself down whichever path I think is best for ME. I am not following the Lord and what He is calling me to do. He is the lead in this dance of my life and sometimes I find myself battling Him for that role.
I feel the same with other occurrences in my life as well. The trust and confidence that I sometimes lack with my husband because of his travel, leads me to insecurity and uncertainty. The fear that I have for my kids, social media, the opposite sex and the decisions they are making, ties me in knots at times. Wanting to please my friends and family members and convince them to love every part of me and believe in me even though sometimes they challenge me and question my intentions. This leaves me feeling lonely and sad.
Situations happen every day, all around me and I try to take control of these issues, even if they're not necessarily mine to control. I want to "fix" the problem, make it better and make sure that my conscience is clean and I can walk away from every scenario smelling like a rose and like what I did was best for everyone involved. I am trying to lead everyone around me to peace and sometimes I follow all of these happenings straight into more turmoil. I guess what I'm saying is that I try to take control and make peace for others (like I have all the answers…HA!) and in every situation, I sometimes cause more confusion or I get so caught up in it in my own mind that it begins to monopolize my entire thought process. The drama, in these cases, is the leader and I am the follower. As I dig a little deeper, I now know that this is the evil one trying to control my mind.
I sometimes let this take over so much that it's all I can think about and I get consumed by what I should have done or what I should have said to someone. How could I have led the conversation or situation to the outcome that I wanted it for it? I sometimes take my good intentions and try to tell others what they should say or not say to another person so that a problem can be resolved and when they don't say or do it the way I suggest, I react as if they have betrayed me and I get irritated. It starts to push people away from me and backfires.
It leads me away from peace in my life and takes me to an unhappy place that makes me question everything that I'm trying to do.
Proverbs 19:3 "The foolishness of man ruins his own way, And his heart rages against the Lord."
It's funny…usually when I blog, I try to use my life experiences to help others get through something going on in their life. I want others to see how my stories might relate to them and I try to give positive tools to help others gain peace in their circumstances. But today is more like a confessional and a breakthrough for me. Literally, as I type each sentence I am learning something new about myself and it is extremely cathartic to be so raw about my shortcomings in this area.
I am realizing that the more that I dance through this amazing, event filled life, I need to follow God every step of the way. I need to stop blocking him out of my mind when He tells me to keep going on with the ministry and accept the changes He has in store for it or when he tells me not to try to control the outcome of an argument between two friends, or when he tells me to let my kids fall down and He will be the one to help them get back up. And I need to LEAD when He tells me to lead, not when I want to. He wants me to lead others to Him by example and sharing His word, not by controlling the outcome of every event.
I think a lot of us do this and we get addicted to the worry, the anxiety and the fear of what might happen if we just follow Him instead of trying to lead every issue down the exact path that we want it to go on. We don't want to let go of this addiction of control because we are so afraid that if we just release it and follow Him then we may not like what we're going to get or even what someone else is going to get.
I want to learn to let go and let God take the lead in my life's dance and I pray that I can begin to truly follow Him without stumbling and stepping on too many toes.
I started this blog yesterday and I am re-visiting it today after so much more contemplation and prayer. Throughout my day and night yesterday, I consciously took every situation that I wanted to take the lead on and I released it. I looked up to the sky and just heard the Lord saying, "Jen, can I have this dance? I'll lead and you follow." It was the most peaceful feeling in the world and I'm so glad I allowed Him to graciously step in!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)